Chode: A penis wider than it is long.
"Chode? Wake up, Chode. You're dreaming. There is a man in the room with you. He is hiding behind the bathroom door. He never came in. He was here all along. He is watching you sleep in the dark. In his hand is a small device, like a pencil but it glows black silver and makes a humming sound. Chode, wake up. He's walking over to the bed. He's touching the device to your head. Chode! Wake up! He is not who you think he is. Christ, what is he doing to you? Chode, you are floating over the bed. Chode, he's got something coming out of his forehead. It is like an animal horn. Wait a minute. That is not a man. He is nine feet tall now. I can just make out in the shadow that his mouth is open and it is as wide as your head. Now he's looking at me. He sees me. It is you, looking at me, Chode. Not him. I am looking at this all wrong. I am inside you. I am devouring you with my dark wide mouth. My eyes are dead. Chode, he was never here. Are you screaming? You are not making any sound. Your mind can not make your body move. You are paralyzed. Chode, there is an old woman sitting on your chest. We are all talking to ourselves. You are the only one here. I am Chode."
I have a low self-esteem thing
Fighting my ego which tells me I secretly run the planet earth
Like kids in a playground
It is never a fair fight either, sand thrown into eyes,
Kicks to the groin, never a teacher around when it happens
To smack the backs of their heads
Which was the way it used to be before everyone got so
Careful
I have fallen many times, faced-down death and got lucky,
Burned myself, bared scars of failed relationships, never been
Sure of what I was looking at in the mirror, only that it was looking back
The kids today get rubber on the monkey bars.
No boy or girl is going to bust their mouth on the see-saws
Now replaced by big harmless rubber balls
You don't throw them at each other, just into the air
And let them drop harmlessly on the ground
The books with any sense of life and danger are banned.
Only good-time books remain. It is a doomed existence
Cupcakes and smiles.
I am hardened muscle, intimidating Chicago-trained eyeballs
They are little wormy maggots stuck to their gadgets and games
Lost in movies or TV shows that no longer tell stories
Buried in Justin Beiber's butt-hole where the music is unripe and dirty
I am forged by the fires of rejection, ridicule and pain.
They are made in the programming centers of society's media
To become either consumers themselves or mindless conduits of their parents' wallets
Oh well, how bad could it be? Bad enough to affect my self-esteem, bad enough to be low.
Why be tough in a sea of fluff?
Remember: Darth Vader was a killer of children. Those same children buy him
Fashioned into a toy. StarWars is owned by Disney World. Disney is a place for
Happiness and children. It is the happiest place on Earth, so they say.
Darth Vader marches in the Main Street parade, like Hitler.
Vader slaughtered younglings. There is a scene in Disney's new/old film,
The Lone Ranger, where a man pulls out another man's heart and eats it.
Bambi's mother died horribly in a fire.
Nothing has changed. We just look at it from yesterday's point of view
And think it is tomorrow.
LUCKY THE GERBIL by Tom Miller 12-2-2012
This is a true story that happened to me a long time ago.
LONG-AGO THIS HAPPEN ME TRUE STORY
When I was a little boy, my pet gerbil gave birth to thirteen little babies. But the mother started
ME LITTLE BOY MY PET fs-GERBIL BIRTH 13 BABY BUT MOTHER GERBIL EAT ALL BABY EXCEPT ONE
eating them. Why? Mother gerbils sometimes do that. She ate them all except for one. This
WHY SOMETIMES MOTHER GERBIL DO-DO EAT BABY CL:BENT-V
baby gerbil was so cute. I named him Lucky. I lived in Miami. Every Sunday, my Aunt Elaine,
HE CUTE ME NAME fs-LUCKY FINISH ME LIVE MIAMI ME EVERY SUNDAY MY AUNT fs-ELAINE DRIVE CL:3 ME
would drive over from her house and visit my parents and me for Sunday dinner. After dinner, I
HOUSE VISIT ME MY PARENTS SUNDAY DINNER AFTER DINNER ME DECIDE SHOW AUNT fs-LUCKY
decided to show my aunt Lucky. I got Lucky out of his cage and brought him over to my aunt to
ME GRAB fs-LUCKY OUT (CL:4 BOTH HANDAS USE FOR CAGE) MOVE AUNT SEE fs-LUCKY BUT
see. But I did not notice that there was a black cat, an orange cat, and one dog, our pets, in the
ME SEE LIST-OF-3 (1-of-3) CAT BLACK (dir-1) HERE (2-of-3) CAT ORANGE (dir-3) HERE (3-of-3) DOG (dir-2) HERE
room hiding here, here and here. Do you know where my story is going? When I opened my
ALL HIDE IN ROOM YOU KNOW WHERE MY STORY NEXT WHEN ME OPEN HAND
hand, Lucky jumped out and landed on the floor. All the animals came running and chased
fs-LUCKY JUMP (CL: BENT-V) CAT DOG ALL-TOGETHER CHASE (CL:BENT-V) BEAT
lucky. They batted Lucky around. What should I do? My aunt screamed. I screamed. Why? Those
ME DO-DO WHAT (DIR-1) AUNT SCREAM (DIR-2) ME SCREAM WHY PETS EAT fs-LUCKY
pets were going to eat my gerbil! My aunt said, "Grab him! Grab him!" I managed to get Lucky
MY AUNT SAY GRAB GRAB ME GRAB fs-LUCKY BUT WHEN ME OPEN HAND
back in my hand but when I looked at him, he was dead. I never got another gerbil. Now, I only
LUCKY DEAD ME HAVE fs-GERBIL TODAY ME HAVE CAT DOG ONLY
have cats and dogs for pets. Do you think I was sad? I cried all night and day.
YOU THINK ME SAD YOU ME CRY ALL-DAY NIGHT
NEW SIGNS
TRYING
SOMETIMES
HIDE
MIAMI
Day of Silence for the Deaf
Tom Miller - 11/7/2012
The walk to the bus (around 10 blocks) was nice and peaceful. It was like being in my own little world wearing the earplugs.
Interacting with the people at the bookstore pointing and gesturing (non-ASL), it was not too difficult to get points across. I did a little 'thank you' blurt--which is maybe a comment on both discipline and the sub-conscious desire to be back in my comfort zone.
Took my Asian Humanities test with earplugs. There were some things the professor brought the classes attention to which I did not quite comprehend. I did well on the test anyway, I hope.
Went to machines for snacks and cokes whilst intentionally avoiding interaction. I wondered if some Deaf avoid interactions/confrontations with speaking persons.
Uploaded one of my 'art film' videos to YouTube--one in a series. Had to figure out which was the right one without being able to listen to the audio. They are very similar and this activity was a challenge. Ultimately successful.
Opened a door for a girl on campus and let out a 'you're welcome' after she said, 'Thank You'. Wondered if I would lose extra-credit points. Wondered how long it might take, if I were suddenly struck deaf, to adapt to not missing my voice.
Did the ASL review in complete silence with our student-tutor. I was amazed how much I was able to get across in ASL. We spent a lot of time interacting and laughing. Everyone was very focused and geared up for this review.
Took the test for Unit III. At the end of class, another slip of the tongue! This is not an easy exercise. As deaf rely on sign, we speaking persons rely on voice. Wonder what a no-ASL signs day might be like for a deaf person who relies on sign. Hope I did well on the test. Missed a few signs. Was unsure on some GLOSS. Curious what role non-hearing/speaking may or may not have played on my test performance.
On the bus ride home, I appreciated that I could not hear the painful loud noisy fellow-riders.
Played Billiards with a friend whom I informed via pointing to my 'card' that I was non-speaking non-hearing today. Managed to communicate, with some difficulty, in a mix of iconic ASL and some made up gestures.
Went to a club for a few drinks. They were showing the movie, 'Prometheus'. I really wanted to hear it better. My ears feel stuffed up. It's a bit annoying.
The bartender said although I was having an 'experience deaf' day, he was unwilling to turn on the captions. I imagined what a deaf person might experience when he/she is not accommodated.
At the bar, saw a girlfriend who signs (some ASL, some English Sign, some slang-sign) and we communicated in sign a bit. That was fun.
On the ride to band practice, our normal thing to do is have an enlightening conversation. My friend was unsure what to say or IF to say anything on the ride over, so we sat in somewhat uncomfortable silence.
I was able to play (I play electric bass) behind the band because I just sort of know where to put my fingers, and I could hear enough to be in tune. There were definitely challenges communicating. I wrote down many things. Seems my bandmates couldn't even fathom a guess at my best efforts of silently explaining what I wanted to say.
At one point, I downloaded a text-to-speech on my iPhone, thinking I might be able to sort of "Stephen Hawking" the evening. The free text-to-speech app was absolutely inadequate, unintelligible, and too quiet even at full volume to be heard.
After practice, another band mate drove me home. He thought the Day of Silence was interesting. He's goofy, and was able to have fun and kind of understand some of what I was saying.
Went to a bar called the Midnight to meet friends. They seemed very receptive to taking the time to understand me, and understand why I was doing a Day of Silence. I texted on my iPhone every so often and used that to communicate a bit.
Used an online text-to-speech interface with my laptop and again, it was clear but not anywhere loud enough to make use of in a busy environment. If it hasn't been made yet, they should have a text-to-speech hand-held device which maybe partners with Bose sound or something, to create a device loud and clear enough to be a communications tool. I mean, we have a rover on Mars this doesn't seem too tough.
It was a big relief to pull those earplugs out of my ears at the end. I noticed I experienced something akin to tinnitus, where I could hear my own heartbeat and a kind of weird ringing in my own head with the plugs in all day.
Concluding remarks: A powerful experience. Lessons in discipline, awareness, adaptation, coping with frustration and communication difficulties really makes you appreciate what deaf people go through every day in the hearing world. Also, the experience allows for a great deal of respect and appreciation for deaf people and Deaf culture.
SON OF THE BRIDE OF GOOTIS [SCREENPLAY]
Tom Miller
SCENE: Soft fairytale-type music (maybe a music box) plays. Narrator begins voice over in thick Irish/British accent.
Narrator: Once upon a time in a magical place called Gainesville, Florida in the known center of the universe, a miracle occurred: The birth of a small baby in an abandon crack house under a bright and shining star. The Son of the Bride of Gootis.
SCENE: A giant vagina fills the screen. Suddenly, the vagina begins to open in bloody glory and in slow motion, the Son of the Bride of Gootis emerges and screams into the camera.
OPENING CREDITS ROLL!
We see SOBOG travelling down the sidewalk leaving a very obvious trail of blood. SOBOG enters the river and now we have a river picture. Long picturesque shots of Hogtowne Creek, flora, fauna, animals, etc. Ambient music should have a Werner Herzog / Deliverance feel to it. We want this VideoFilm to be sometimes extremely beautiful and sometimes dirty grunge punk.
SCENE: SOBOG travels down a dank canal to old abandoned boathouse. In the boathouse lives the 'Fookin' Loon', who gives advice, feeds, and teaches SOBOG about the ways of the world. He advises SOBOG to find a role model and suggests President Abraham Lincoln. He teaches SOBOG to read with the book, 'Are You My Mother?'. FOOKIN' LOON: "No, boy, but I could be like your fartar! You can call me Dada. You're like a son to me. I always wanted a son." They bond. The Fookin' Loon relays the story of why he lives in the boathouse (Re: George's seal legend). The Fookin Loon bestows upon SOBOG a necklace with a penny (Lincoln) affixed. He points out Lincoln and notes it will remind him of whom to emulate and also that he will always have good 'sense'! After a period of time, Fookin' Loon dies on a stump in a permanent 'waiting for his love' pose, the result of a bad mix of booze and pills. Big sad scene of SOBOG trying to stir the 'Fookin' Loon. "Dada?" SOBOG says. Heartbreaking music. (It is not made exactly clear whether the Fookin' Loon is actually 'dead' or is in some 'lost' state until the very end, when the SOBOG makes his suicide trek to the river and passes the skeleton of the Fookin' Loon on his way to drown himself.
LOOKING FOR ABRAHAM!
SCENE: SOBOG travels down the road and sees a strange man in an abandon warehouse. The man faces away, but he is wearing a big hat just as Lincoln would wear. SOBOG approaches and says, "Lincoln?" The strange man turns and it is Mr. Spagandy. CUE: I am Spagandy song. SOBOG tries to get away, but is blocked repeatedly by Mr. Spagandy as he sings to him. Finally, he escapes.
SCENE: SOBOG arrives at a recording studio, with a sign on the door that says, "STAR: James Wesson - SONG: Abraham (Lincoln Song). SOBOG: "Lincoln?" SOBOG enters and sees a strange man. His back is to SOBOG but he is wearing a big hat as Lincoln would wear. The man turns around and it is James Wesson, in the middle of a recording session (w/ engineer? Manager? (Perhaps Rob McGregor in this role?) Wesson performs "Abraham" at SOBOG, frightening him. (Cut this like a music video, w/ shots of Lincoln interspersed with old Gootis, Bride of Gootis, and Gootis-II footage. SOBOG escapes.
SOBOG tries to hail a cab. Cab pulls over SOBOG has no money. English Cabbie says, "I'll get you where you need to go. You just need to find some money, mate. Otherwise, you can't get anywhere in this bloody world now, can you?"
SCENE: SOBOG travels down the road to drag queen. Drag queen (Lady Pearl) gives puppet fashion advice. Dresses it up as a girl with blond wig and lipstick. "Now you look good, girl. Now, maybe you can make some money and get a piece of dick." SOBOG goes it for a time as a road whore.
TITLE: 5 Years Later
SCENE: SOBOG shoots up heroin and smokes crack, perhaps with other drag queens, bums, and/or goth/punks.
SCENE: SOBOG reads more of "Who is my mother?" children's book [Narrator's voice]. We see shots of the book. SOBOG, high as fuck, says, "Mama". SOBOG falls asleep.
Has a strange DREAM SEQUENCE:
Metaphor: Boat going over the river Styx with Cap'n Johnny Dee. He explains the journey. We have a flashback to the two thugs, Miller & Spence doing (Shawn, need your genius here). Suddenly, the real President Lincoln appears and imparts some sagely advice (to be written). Just as the SOBOG says 'Lincoln', we have a surreal re-creation of Lincoln's assassination. Lincoln's hat floats down the river. SOBOG is awakened by a 'tough'. A punk/goth dude (25 age roughly) tripping on acid! "Hey. Hey you. I'd fuck that. What the fuck is it?"
SOBOG FINALLY GETS A JOB!
Punk talks him down to five bucks. "I'm so wasted, I'll fuck anything for five bucks." Sex scene. After SOBOG is sodomized in the ass and mouth and been spooged in the face (we'll do this for real ), the punk spits on him, calls him a bitch, and drops a five bill which twirls down in slow motion landing next to SOBOG. We see a close-up on the face of Lincoln on the bill. The punk says, "You fuck like old jello!" Uber-long shot of the pitiful dripping SOBOG who finally says in a flat voice, "Money."
SCENE: SOBOG hails a cab. The cab driver gives SOBOG a pretty long lecture about good rock-n-roll of yesterday and how all of today's music is crap. This is while driving. We see the passing of scenery out the cab window. Lots of reaction (really more of a 'no reaction') of SOBOG during the lecture. Cab driver should be pretty pissed off at the end. Suddenly, like a light switch, he is the friendliest fellow after he gets the five. "Good luck, mate. And remember, the sun only smiles on Cinco de Mayo."
SCENE: SOBOG returns to crack house [His trail of blood meets up with the trail of blood he left, completing the circle] to find skeleton of the Bride of Gootis. SOBOG nudges his mother's face. "Mama?" He says. A few times. It's a heartbreaking moment. He then crawls to her feet, up between her legs,into the cavity of the stomach/rib cage for a bit. Obviously, his mother is waaaay dead. Then SOBOG says, "Fuck it." SOBOG goes to the river and drowns himself, passing the ever-waiting skeleton of the Fookin' loon along the way. (The 'jam' part of BlackSnake's 'Gootis' song plays. Fast cutsSOBOG enters the river and as he sinks to the bottom, we see bubbles of breath rising in the water. (Underwater) we see SOBOG sink to the bottom. Gradually, there are fewer and fewer bubbles. [Alternative idea: President Lincoln Dream could happen here]. Finally there are no bubbles and the river runs clear and calm. We see a tiny blond wig pop off SOBOG's head and it floating away down the river the ambient sounds go dead quiet.
SCENE: [Redneck Banjo theme] Redneck hunter fishes SOBOG out of the river. REDNECK HUNTER: "Lookie here! Caught me a big fat mud toad! Vittles. Vittles! That's good eatin'!" Throws it over a bonfire and prepares to eat it. But suddenly, it moves ever so slightly. The Redneck gives it a WTF look.
NARRATOR: "The radioactivity in the river combined with the Son of the Bride of Gootis' unique genetic make-up combined with the heat from the oven to make the Universal Supreme Uber-Gootis " Gootis which grows into a giant monster and violently kills the redneck (should be an unnecessarily brutal scene of carnage and blood, maybe a beheading.)Narrator: "Eventually, the Universal Super Gootis broke into the Crystal River Nuclear Power plant and " [NUCLEAR EXPLOSION w/ MUSHROOM CLOUD]. All life is extinguished on the planet Earth, or at least seems to be.
SCENE: Cut to Lab shot w/ Professor XXXXX, who explains the science behind the transformation of SOBOG to the Super Uber-Gootis.
Far shot of the black earth.
Near shot of the black earth.
Shot of Florida.
Shot of a barren wasteland.
Shot of sand.
Something moves in the sand
Blackout - Credits - Gootis Song Plays w/ Credits
THE END
OFFICIAL NARRATOR LINES:
Narrator: Once upon a time in a magical place called Gainesville, Florida in the known center of the universe, a miracle occurred: The birth of a small baby in an abandon crack house under a bright and shining star. The Son of the Bride of Gootis.
Alas, this was not the real President Lincoln.
Alas, this was ALSO not the real President Lincoln.
And there he stood, tall and regal, filled with the wisdom of the ages: the REAL President Lincoln, living in a strange and wonderful dream.
For five years, the Son of the Bride of Gootis tried and tried to get a job, just one job that could pay for the ride all the way back to the crack house where his mother was. Then suddenly, one day, a miracle occurred.
(Echo) Are you my mother? I did have a mother, I know I did! I will have to find her. He looked down down down. He saw a boat. Are you my mother? But the boat did not stop. 'Mother, mother, here I am mother.'
The son of the bride of Gootis was so very tired from his long journey, that he fell asleep and had a strange and wonderful dream.
But the radioactivity in the river, combined with the Son of the Bride of Gootis' unique genetic make-up and the heat of the fire set in motion the creation of the ultimate Gootis: The Universal Supreme Uber-Gootis.
The Universal Supreme Uber-Gootis stomped and womped down to the Crystal River Nuclear Facility and whilst there, he engineered the end to all life on planet Earth. This is what happens when you fuck with evolution.
Diarrhea Restaurant *a.k.a. Paula Dean's Blacky Factory w/ Lemon Stupid Butter
As a fan of haute cuisine, I have dined in some of the finest establishments all over the world. I have been to Noma in Denmark, Per Se in New York, Osteria in Italy, and Mugaritz in Spain. But never have I had so disappointing a meal in all my life than my experience at the newly rated top-ten San Pelligrino Restaurants: Diarrhea, in Cockburn, Australia. Diarrhea was a promising establishment in which Chef and Owner Claudius Chickenfucker promised the most promising cuisine promised ever since his last promise to stop raping children with Bibles and Korans. He is still doing that, by the way. I had all expectations of experiencing some of the finest diarrhea but when the waiter brought the food, it was appalling. For starters, it looked like shit. It was not of the proper consistency, and personally, I like my diarrhea rustic, not all prettified and decorated with edible flowers and sprigs of micro-herbs and shit. I'd more expect to get something like that from some crappy French restaurant serving up some common boring ordinary dish like Short Rib of Ruby Red truffle-infused Beef with Smoked Onions, Bone Marrow and Grated English Wasabi. Nevertheless, I decided to go ahead and give it a go go. The restaurant provided a special fancy spoon with a special notch designed to scoop up all of the Jews that is normally left behind when you're eating diarrhea, but suddenly, I just had to stop. I put my spoon down and felt my stomach churn from what I had seen on my plate of diarrhea. "Waiter," I called out. I was indignant. This was simply unacceptable.
"Yeah? Whatcha' want, you little cum junkie?"
"Waitor, look at my diarrhea. That is a roach crawling around in my diarrhea."
"Dat's part of the dish, you Knob jockey," said the waiter.
"No, my friend, no it is not. I am a professional food snoot and I am telling you, a roach is not a part of classic diarrhea in any way, shape, or form. If you are going to call your restaurant Diarrhea, at least have the dignity to present diarrhea as it is intended, in the classical style. This diarrhea is almost a fucking log. It's not even runny enough for me to use my special spoon to get all the Jews into my mouth. And that roach! I almost puked up Taco Bell on my diarrhea!"
"Now look here, you vagina decliner. That there roach, it's a decoration is what it is. It's a garnish, you bloomin' baffoon! Crikey, if you ain't dumb as a box of rocks, mate. You don't like the roach, pick it off. I guarantee, when you get those dick-sucking poof lips around that there diarrhea, you'll be singing a different tune, you slit-eyed fuck. Now eat yer diarrhea, ya dried up dingo donger. I'd rather drag me balls through broken glass than listen to the yak of a stinkin' vegemite driller!"
I picked off the roach. "Maybe this is how they do it in Australia. I'll give it the benefit of the doubt." and then I thought, "Did that guy just call me a faggot? How in the world did he know that?" I got my special spoon and got another dollop of diarrhea when I saw a worm. "Worm!" I shouted. "Worm!" and then I barfed in my diarrhea. The worst barf I have ever achieved. I should have never eaten the night before at Taco Bell. Mexicans suck at making food based on my experience there. I used the delightfully smelling white napkin to wipe the puke and diarrhea out of my mouth and went to the kitchen to complain.
"Excuse me, chef!" I shouted. "Would you mind not fucking that kid with scriptures for a minute so I can talk to you about your diarrhea?"
The chef came over and said, "You didn't like the roach? I get a lot of that."
"No!" I said. "I did not like the fucking diarrhea! Your diarrhea is shit!"
"Okay, well work this out. Hang on a minute while I shoot this kid so he doesn't tell anyone what happened." The chef shot the kid in the mouth, foot, and buttocks, dragged the body into the trash compacter, and pushed the button. A churning grinding sound followed, along with one or two grunts. I have never been so disturbed in my entire life. I mean, this chef he had a gun for Christ's sake. What if he shoots me? I was so disturbed by that, and not at all about the child-rape with religion or the murder part of the story. That part was not offensive in the least. In fact, I quite enjoyed it. I could tell because I was getting a huge boner.
"Now let's talk about this plate of diarrhea," said the chef. "What was wrong with it?"
"It was solid. It was not even diarrhea; it was like completely proper feces."
"Well did you give it time to warm up and melt down? The best diarrhea is prepared that way."
"What? Really?" I said. Maybe this place was so fancy that they knew more about traditional diarrhea than I did. Maybe I had not done my homework on Diarrhea. Maybe I was out of my element. "I had not heard that before, chef."
"Yeah," he continued. "You see, mate, part of the charm is that while it's melting, you can have a nice relaxing conversation with your dinner partner. That is the pleasure we take in going out to eat. It's more about the food, it's about getting intimate, you know, chat 'em up a bit, steal the money, lie, cum in their mouth, smash their teeth into the curb of a street corner, you know a real relationship, the kind of relationships you see every day."
"My God, I said. You're right. I'm not patient. I've lost my ability to enjoy myself because I've spent all my time being a critic. It's got me thinking I'm better than everyone when in reality, I'm a worthless fag doomed to a life of despair, ridicule, religious persecution, and sexual diseases including anal warts, dick rot, and AIDS. You know what? I'm going to go back out there and eat that diarrhea. So what if it has a Goddamn worm in it!"
"Mate, that's a garnish. We like to put a worm and a roach in our diarrhea to kind of provide a visual component. I mean, if it don't look good, mate, who's gonna' eat it. Right, poo jabber? Right? Right, Hershey boy? Right, you cunt? Fuck puppet? Bishop gargler? Beard. Lickbox. Flamer. Liberace. You Mary. Butterknob? Now get on your knees and smile like a doughnut. Eat my hairy onions, you ass bandit. Get 'er wet. Go on, get 'yer stick wet. March out there mate and eat my diarrhea. After all, I made it meself.
"Thank you, thank you," I said. You have completely changed my opinion of Diarrhea. This may be the greatest restaurant in the world. But sadly, I have no date with which to converse while my shit melts."
"Well here, take this." The chef reached into the trash compactor and pulled out a bleeding red compressed tiny square of hair and bones.
"Don't worry," said the chef. "I can always get another one outta' the bin."
The End
Moral: Try to love each other, or otherwise, you get this.
Punctual Punctuation
the comma arrived late to the party
and the ellipsis was angry
where the fuck have you been
he shouted as the exclamation point
stood behind to emphasize
I am so sorry, said the comma
I was having my period
out of my semicolon
now my hyphen is broken
you can quote me on that.
gay stuff
one day I met this dude
and we started to be gay together
did almost everything
except for the gross stuff
and then the dude
started doing this other dude
but they did the gross stuff
so I sat around drinking
and praying for death
bus
on the bus
14 people and me
3 I want to fuck
4 black
4 old
5 young
5 in the middle somewhere
1 sleeping
1 wearing dark sunglasses
1 with skateboard
4 wired up to iPhones
the bus driver is a huge lady
we head downtown
so I can get a beer
it is 10:16 in the morning
there are no shock absorbers on this bus
the air conditioner works too well
it is freezing
this bus runs on the half hour during the week
this bus hurts my back
but I don't hate the bus
I hate god
RELIGION EXPLAINED FOR IDIOTS
I. In the beginning
A lady pulled up beside me
In her red Toyota, rolled down the window,
And said, "She's a dingbat, she's a dingbat."
That's how my day began.
I reflected on the idea that in
Millions of years of evolution
It had all come to this.
I hate knowing everything that matters.
II. Revelations
What Happened Since I Quit Drinking
I was eleven days in
And I could no longer walk straight
My vision began to blur
I no longer got laid
As for the poems
They stopped talking to me
And went off on their own to a bar,
Disappointed in my lack of commitment
And in horror, I realized
I was healthy and happy
With plenty of money and time
Succeeding in life
The apocalypse had finally arrived
III. The Heavens and the Earth
Mixed Up Nerd Fred Wars Star Death
Down street the
Fred backward walked
Supermarket
Into
Bananas
Checking if
Was he
Yellow
Looking for not green
But yellow not too only in
Four days bananas black
He did not
So soon after want
Fucked
Ass
Turning brown in the
Then
Yoda
Died he did
Next year after
j.j. Abrahams
episode Star
directed
seven Wars
good
acting
everything ruined
laughing
to the
mouse bank
raped
all the way
IV. Stoned
big bear
big bear angry
no fish
little girl at zoo
throw rock
ha ha funny bear
fuck this bitch
little girl
lean in for closer
OOPSIE!
Mother scream
Throws rock
Bear okay with it
Move A little closer
Rock hit face
No problem
Little girl unconscious
Rock hits head
Bear feels slight tickle
Moves closer takes his time
Screaming everywhere
Bear stops to yawn and stretch
Zoo keepers throw fish
No distraction
Little girl looks like
Bowl of cream and honey
Nice and easy now
Closer closer rock hits paw
Who gives a shit
Mouth opens teeth bared
Rock hits butt as
Little girl head pops like a coconut
Bear licks little girl's brain
Bear can taste her dreams
Fire the bullets
Bear could care less
Anger gives way to
Satisfaction and sweet death
Zoo closes bear exhibit
For two weeks
Then FREAK hurricane
Destroys zoo
Animals running wild
V. Noah's Bark
Noah says,
Quick, hide in here!
Points to boat.
Sails out to
One of Estonia's islands
Noah is Noahwhere to be found
What are the giraffes smiling about?
Nuclear bomb goes off
Mold survives and mutates to become intelligent
New inhabitants of planet Earth
They set up a cheese zoo
The American escapes and goes to war with the French
The Swiss don't help
The brie lays low and creamy
All television shows of the seventies
Fuck each other in the ass
Turn into a pillar of
Saltines and the snacks retain their innocence
Until they give birth to Justin Bieber's
Butthole.
VI. The Seventh Coming
We waited for the second coming for quite some time
And when Jesus finally showed up, he was disguised as a
Typewriter, old-school Littera-32, and nobody knew what it was
In reality, this was the seventh coming, he had been back before
Once as a banana, turned black, told you Jesus was black but nobody
Listens to me, once as a mosquito, that lasted about three seconds
On somebody's arm, drink of the blood eat the flesh, and next thing you know,
Smack down!
Three was Jesus doing his best imitation of Ronald Reagan but
He was not very good at it, as we have since discovered after AIDS.
Four's the charm so they say. So, okay. Nobody says that. He came back
Round four and nobody knew what it was. What is that? No idea. Let's ignore it.
Five, a Cheeto. They put him in a casino. Got 254,500 bucks on e-bay from a Spanish
Woman out of Miami who used the money to hire a gunman to kill her husband so
She could get the life insurance. When the gunman drew the weapon, it misfired
Into his nut sack. She's in jail. Some drunk guy ate the Cheeto and there went that one.
Hey, give the guy a break. The drinks are free in the casino. He didn't know it was a Cheeto,
He thought it was Jesus. Turns out, it was Cheeto-Jesus. One in the same.
That's what 254,500 bucks gets you these days. Resurrection number Six was the one we all read about
In the big Book. Short story, the ending leaves you hanging. But in that one, he was like three completely
Different things; Father, Son, Holy Ghost and they were all somehow the same thing. By the time you
Get to rebound number six, you begin to think something is going Very wrong with the poetry. So here
We are. Jesus is a typewriter. Old-school. A littera-32, same model that Cormac McCarthy used to write
No Country for Old Men. Cormac sold it at auction for 254,500 dollars. Then he went down to the pawn
Shop and found a littera-32, same model and style, for about 20 bucks with a new ribbon, worked better
Than the one he sold. And what you have just heard is what it might have written if I had been writing it.
You should understand what religion is all about, right about now.
A 5 Minute Beginner's Guide to Proper Breathing and Zen Meditation
Speech by Tom Miller
General Purpose: To Inform
Specific Purpose: To inform my audience of basic beginner's techniques for proper breathing and Zen meditation.
Organizational Pattern: Systematic Guide / Problem - Solution
Thesis: Because Americans typically do not breathe correctly or take time for themselves in our busy multi-tasking world, I will present a step-by-step guide to proper breathing and Zen meditation techniques which will quiet the mind and improve the overall health and quality of one's life.
Introduction
Attention Grabber: How many of you out there are ready to get high right now?
S-A-T Orientation: My name is Tom Miller and like you, I have a busy life filled with stressful challenges. I have been a practicing meditator for over twenty years and I would like to show you an easy way to immediately relax, expand your consciousness, and reduce your overall stress and anxiety. (Mention the contrasts: drink a lot, high stress, hectic schedule, lack of sleep, vs. 3.9 GPA, full-ride scholarship, Phi Kappa Theta, Dean's List, Academic Theatre ). "I don't say that to impress you, I say that to impress upon you "
Tell the Audience your Topic or Goal: This is a beginner's guide to proper breathing and Zen meditation techniques, and I hope that in sharing this knowledge, you will feel better, be less stressed, and ultimately get a little more 'you' time. You deserve it, don't you?
Transition: Let us start with the way we breathe. It is an important topic. If you do not breathe, you typically die. So pay attention only if you do not die.
Body
I. What is wrong with the way we breathe?
A. We are a nation of shallow-chest breathers. (The diaphragm is under the lungs and close to the belly).
1. Restrictions to our bodies by the way we dress, sit, and behave.
2. Babies breathe with their stomachs and diaphragms, but as we grow older, we tend to bring our breath to the chest; we do not get the full benefit of oxygen.
a. From Michael White of the Optimal Breathing Association: Chest breathing often brings a sense of struggle to breathing, a behavior that should otherwise seem automatic, effortless, and easy. - Chest breathing often triggers muscle posturing, which can result in tension and pain, even headache. - Chest breathing is inefficient, labor intensive, and can make breathing seem difficult, even exhausting. (White)
Transition: Now, let us move to the mind. If your mind is not working, you die. So pay attention only if you do not want to die.
II. What is wrong with the way we use our minds?
A. We are a nation of multi-taskers in a society of pressure. Some studies show the internet has actually changed the physical structure and the process of the brain.
1. Psychologist David Meyer at the University of Michigan : " multitasking contributes to the release of stress hormones and adrenaline, which can cause long-term health problems if not controlled, and contributes to the loss of short-term memory." (Rosen)
Transition: Now that we all agree we do not want to die and would rather get high, let's do a brief real-world example so that you can immediately experience the benefits of proper breathing and meditation.
III. We will try it out in this brief demonstration.
A. Two breathing techniques. (Deep & Zazen Breathing)
1. Sit on the front end of the chair, feet flat on the floor, tongue naturally at the back of the upper front teeth, and wobble into proper position, no tension in muscles, back straight, head as if attached to a string from outer space(this position allows for maximum air into the diaphragm without obstruction).
2. The deep breath technique, in through the nose with a count of four, hold for four, out through the mouth slowly for a count of eight. Repeat three times.
B. The 'zazen' [sitting meditation-seeing into the nature of one's own being]. chair meditation technique.
1. Now that you are in the proper position, fix your eyes on a point, close eyes most of the way, acknowledge thoughts and then let them go.
2. The 'zazen' breathing technique: Use the diaphragm, in and out through the nose slowly and naturally. Empty mind. Go deeper as I count slowly from 5 to 1. Countnow open your eyes and do not look around you, see around you. Everything should be much clearer now and you should feel relaxed, but refreshed.
Conclusion
I. Summary - To conclude, there is a very effective and easy way to relieve the anxiety and stress we face every day. Through proper breathing and meditation, we can relax, expand our consciousness, get a powerful healthy natural high, and give ourselves the 'me' time we deserve.
II. MOTIVATE TO ACTION - If you would like to learn more, I recommend meditation.com or tm.org.
III. Closure: I want to thank you for your time, and please be sure to take time for yourself.
Source: White, Michael grant, ed. "High Chest Breathing." Breathing.Com. The Optimal Breathing Association, 2/26/2012. Web. 26 Feb 2012.
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