This is an adaptation I did of my short story "The Undead Dead...or Something Like That".Figured it might make a fun short film.Included here for your free reading pleasure.If you want to make it, you need to contact me, yo.
THE UNDEAD DEAD
EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE CEMETERY - NIGHT
CAS gazes up at the full moon.Plenty of light.No need for flashlight.No need to attract attention.
He shifts his attention to PAUL, leaning against the tree and finishing his eighth cigarette in the last twenty minutes.
CAS
You ready?
Paul nods and drops the cigarette and grinds it out with the toe of his boot.He reaches down and grabs two shovels from the dew-covered grass and hands one to Cas.
PAUL
You sure about this?
CAS
I heard they buried him with wads of money.
(picks up a pair of bolt cutters with free hand)
Couple grand, easy.
PAUL
Why would they bury money with a dead guy?
CAS
Some gangster thing.Like pouring a forty of malt liquor on a grave.It was his homeys way of saying adios, I guess.
PAUL
Man, I can think of better things to throw in a casket.
Cas starts walking toward the cemetery gates.Paul follows.
CAS
Like what?
PAUL
A crucifix for starters.Garlic.A wooden stake and a hammer.
CAS
Whoa, wait a minute.Why the hell would you put garlic and a wooden stake in a casket with a corpse?
PAUL
Vampires, dude.
CAS
What about them?
PAUL
Vampires like eating dead people.
Cas laughs and spits as they reach the cemetery gates.
CAS
Ghouls.Ghouls like eating dead people.Vampires drink the blood of the living.Need to get your monsters straight.
PAUL
Nah, man, that ain't right.Vampires eat dead people.
CAS
Where'd you learn that?
PAUL
Some book.
CAS
Burn the fucking book because it's full of shit.Ghouls eat dead people and vampires drink the blood of the living.
PAUL
(rubbing forehead)
Shit.Well, what do you kill a ghoul with?
CAS
I don't know.A big fucking gun maybe?
PAUL
Yeah, that'd probably work.I'd throw a gun in a casket then.
At the top of the black wrought-iron gate sit two iron bats, staring down at them with their mouths open and fangs bared and wings spread.
PAUL
Not exactly inviting.
CAS
Well, the place is full of dead people.
Cas hands his shovel to Paul and takes the bolt cutters and bites the chain in two.He pushes on the gate and it releases a rusty whine.After some effort, it opens enough to walk through.They cross the threshold.
EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
Lightning flashes and thunder crashes as soon as both of them are inside the gate.They look at the sky.Not a cloud to be found.
PAUL
That can't be a good sign.
CAS
Come on.
They move into the cemetery.The place is full of old headstones and crypts, like a European graveyard where the tombs have been stacked one upon another.Ivy and other plants stake their claims on the slabs of stone and marble.
PAUL
It's pretty quiet.
CAS
Dead quiet.
Cas laughs.
PAUL
Hardy-har.
They reach a freshly filled grave with a granite tombstone carved:
WILLIAM "WEE-BAY" BAKER
1988 - 2013
"LOVE LIFE, BITCHEZ! NOW PASS THE BLUNT!"
Cas leans on the shovel and whistles.
PAUL
How'd he die?Some other rapper shoot him?
CAS
Nope.Overdosed.
PAUL
What is with famous people getting hooked on heroin or cocaine?Got the whole world in their hands and lose it over some drugs.
CAS
Wasn't either of those.
PAUL
Crystal meth?
CAS
Viagra.
PAUL
Those boner pills.
CAS
Yep.Apparently Wee-Bay liked the ladies.Liked them so much he wanted to keep the party going for hours on end.
PAUL
(whispering)
He didn't, like, break it off and bleed to death, did he?
CAS
Is that really the first conclusion you'd jump to?
PAUL
You said Viagra.What else am I supposed to think?
CAS
A heart attack, you simple bastard.He had a heart attack.
Paul looks from Cas to the grave.
PAUL
Ohhhh.
Cas drops the bolt cutters and takes his shovel and slams it into the fresh soil.
CAS
Let get to digging already.
Paul joins him.
PAUL
How do you think it feels to be dead?
CAS
I imagine it feels like nothing since the dead are dead.Technically, they can't feel a thing.
PAUL
Well, just imagine that a dead person wasn't dead.How would it feel?
CAS
Confused.
(Cas plants the shovel and leans on it)
A living dead person would not be dead.
PAUL
What would it be?
CAS
Undead.
Paul nods and continues digging.
PAUL
Like in those movies with the pale people eating other people.What are they called again.
CAS
Jesus Christ, you need to seriously learn your monsters.Zombies.They're called zombies.
PAUL
Ah-ha!
CAS
What?
Paul wags a finger.
PAUL
I knew it wasn't ghouls.It's zombies.Zombies eat dead people.
CAS
Zombies don't eat dead people, you dumb bastard.
PAUL
Now you're contradicting yourself.
CAS
How the fuck so?
PAUL
Earlier you said vampires eat the living and ghouls eat the dead.Now you're saying zombies eat the living and ghouls eat the dead.You can't have it both ways, man.
CAS
It's a good thing I've known you for a long time because I might kill you otherwise.
PAUL
No need to be mean.
CAS
Get it straight: vampires drink the blood of the living and ghouls eat the dead and zombies eat the living.
PAUL
Hold on a second.Vampires drink the blood of the living and zombies eat the living?
CAS
Yeah.
PAUL
How do the zombies avoid drinking the blood?
CAS
For fuck's sake, zombies eat every little bit.Flesh and blood and bone.If it's living, the zombie eats it.
PAUL
And zombies are considered undead?
CAS
Yes.
Paul lifts the shovel and gets back to work.
CAS
That's it?
PAUL
Yeah.
Cas sighs heavily and resumes digging.
PAUL
Why would they want to eat people?
CAS
Who?
PAUL
The undead.
CAS
Who would want to eat the undead?
PAUL
No, no.Why would the undead want to eat people?
CAS
I think it has something to do with the fact that the dead, being undead, require the strength of the living so that they may remain undead or risk becoming dead again.Therefore, they must eat the flesh of the living to gain the strength to survive or they become dead undead.Or something like that.
PAUL
Why not eat a banana?
CAS
A what?
PAUL
A banana.It's full of vitamins.Good source of energy.It would be healthier and no one would be eaten.
CAS
Yes but who the fuck wants to see a movie about zombies running around eating bananas?It's not terrifying.Disturbing, yes.But not terrifying.Throw the need to eat people into the mix and you sell a lot more tickets.
PAUL
I'd rather eat bananas.
CAS
Well, you're not undead are you.Worry about eating people when you're dead.
PAUL
Undead.
CAS
Undead.
The earth trembles.
PAUL
Did you feel that?
CAS
I felt that.Maybe it's just the soil settling.
The earth trembles harder.Cas and Paul jump out of the shallow hole they've dug and step back, back, back as a pair of hands break the surface.Fingers claw and scratch the dirt.Paul shrieks.Cas can't utter a sound even as his mouth moves up and down.
PAUL
We should run.
CAS
We should.
Neither move.
PAUL
Why can't we run?
The hands become arms.A head follows.
CAS
Because we're paralyzed with fear.
PAUL
How's that possible?
Cas lifts the shovel, ready to swing as the torso emerges from the earth.
CAS
How's any of this possible?
WEE-BAY shakes his legs free of the dirt's grasp and straightens up and stands before them, milk-white eyes locked on Paul.He wears a white suit stained with dirt streaks.Nice pedicure except for the soil caked under his nails.Purple shirt and white bow tie.Drool runs down his chin. A fat glob forms and dangles and drips.Paul squeaks.
PAUL
Maybe he was buried alive.
CAS
Looks like Prince.
PAUL
Prince who?
CAS
You know, the singer.
PAUL
Prince has lighter skin.
CAS
I mean the way he's dressed.
PAUL
Oh.Well, he still might have been buried alive.
CAS
Nah, he's a zombie.And I think he wants to eat you.
PAUL
Can we run now?
Cas lifts his legs, marching in place.
CAS
Yeah, I think we can.
Wee-Bay blinks and lifts his arms and spreads them wide.
WEE-BAY
Be not afraid, Bitchez.
CAS/PAUL
What?
WEE-BAY
There ain't no reason to be afraid, motherfuckers.I'm hungry all right but I ain't no fucking ghoul.
PAUL
You're a zombie.
WEE-BAY
Well fucking duh.
(to Cas)
You hang out with one stupid fucking honky, you know that?
CAS
Yeah, I know.
PAUL
Wait, wait.I may have all this screwed up but zombies eat the living and ghouls eat the dead, right?
CAS
Hey, you got something right.
WEE-BAY
Stupid and slow.
(he moves away from his grave, patting his jacket)
You two dopes got any smokes?
PAUL
I'm out.
Cas reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of Marlboro's and shakes out one and hands it to the zombie.He grabs one for himself and lights up.Then he tosses the lighter to Wee-Bay.
CAS
Why would a zombie want to smoke?
WEE-BAY
Shit, you tell me.
Paul drops his shovel and grabs Cas by the arm.
PAUL
I'm sorry to interrupt but back to my original point.
CAS
You had a point?Okay, let's hear it.
PAUL
If he's a zombie and doesn't want to eat us, what's that tell us?
Cas starts to say something but freezes.He turns to Wee-Bay, who stands there, shaking his head.
WEE-BAY
Stupid fucking honkies.
CAS
Wait, are you saying we're dead?
WEE-BAY
Undead, Bitchez.Undead.
PAUL
Zombies.
WEE-BAY
Undead.Zombies.Now you getting it.Live life, Bitchez!Ha!
Cas turns to Paul and notices his partner's eyes are milk white.Drool drips from his mouth.
CAS
This doesn't make any sense.
Paul turns to Cas and discovers the same thing: Cas's eyes are now white.
PAUL
You're telling me.Why didn't I notice your eyes before?
CAS
I don't know.Why didn't I notice yours?
WEE-BAY
Because you didn't know you were undead.Like that stupid ghost movie.Only instead of the ghosts not knowing they're dead, the zombies don't know they're undead.
PAUL
You'd think you'd notice something like that.
WEE-BAY
Did you notice the huge holes in your chests, too?
Cas and Paul look down.Holes the size of a fists right where their hearts should be.
CAS
I don't get it.
PAUL
I think someone shot us.
WEE-BAY
No shit.By the looks of it, you two got capped with a shotgun slug each.I imagine the holes are bigger where they came out.Turn around.
(They do.Wee-Bay whistles at the sight of the exit wounds)
Damn, now those are some exit wounds.Close range, no doubt.Who'd you piss off?
Paul stammers but only speaks broken syllables.
CAS
I don't remember.We were just staking out the cemetery.Planning to come up here and rob your grave once everything was locked up.
Wee-Bay rushes toward them.
WEE-BAY
What? You motherfuckers were going to rob my grave?
Paul jumps and slides behind Cas.
PAUL
Yeah.
CAS
(holding up his hands)
We're not now.
Wee-Bay grits his teeth.Spits.
WEE-BAY
You fucking lucky you undead and I ain't got a gun.I'd pop a cap in your asses for sure.
CAS
Sorry.
WEE-BAY
Yeah, fuck your mama.Stupid ass honkies.Give me another smoke.
Cas obliges.
PAUL
Tommy.
CAS
Tommy?
PAUL
Yeah, he came by while were were waiting in the woods.Remember?He called us and wanted his money now.We said we'd have it by morning.He said he wanted to come see what we had planned.
CAS
That's right.He showed up and we told him the plan.Then-
PAUL
He fucking shot us.
CAS
In the woods.He shot us in the woods where we were staking out the cemetery.
WEE-BAY
(clapping)
Congrats, Bitchez.You figured it out.Now shut the fuck up.
PAUL
So, we came back to life.And picked up where we left off before Tommy killed us.
CAS
I guess so.But why did we come back to life at all?
WEE-BAY
Now that's an interesting question.Way I figure it-
A woman screams off camera.Everyone snaps there heads to find a young Latina, ESMERALDA, in a very tight dress and jacket staring at Wee-Bay, hand covering her mouth.
ESMERALDA
Mi Wee-Bay?
WEE-BAY
Mi Esmeralda.
ESMERALDA
I don't understand-
WEE-BAY
Shhh.
(walks over to her)
It'll all make sense soon.
CAS
Who is she?
WEE-BAY
One of my girls.
ESMERALDA
I couldn't come to the funeral.Your wife-
WEE-BAY
I know.
(puts his arm around her shoulders)
You had to wait until she was gone.Had to wait to get some alone time with me.To say goodbye.
Esmeralda wraps her arms around his waist and interlocks her fingers.
ESMERALDA
Is this some kind of dream, Wee-Bay?
WEE-BAY
I wish it was.
Wee-Bay plunges his face toward her neck and sinks his teeth into her flesh.Esmeralda screams.Wee-Bay jerks back, ripping.Blood juts.Esmeralda gurgles.Wee-Bay chews.
Cas and Paul watch, enraptured.Drooling.
CAS
Is it just me, or is this making you hungry?
PAUL
I've never wanted to eat someone so much in my whole life.
CAS
I know right.I can honestly say I want to eat the shit out of someone.
PAUL
We're zombies, Cas, not shit eaters.
CAS
That's not what I meant.
PAUL
That's the way it sounded.Just saying.
Wee-Bay stops eating abruptly and drops Esmeralda's chewed body to the ground.
PAUL
Why'd you stop?
WEE-BAY
She's dead.
(licks blood from his fingers)
We're not ghouls, remember?
CAS
Undead.
PAUL
This sucks.I'm so hungry.
WEE-BAY
Back to that question about why we came back to life.I think I know why.
CAS
And that is?
WEE-BAY
It all depends on how long you've been dead.The newly dead rise faster than the older dead.You two rose before me.You'd been dead, what, a few minutes.Maybe an hour.I was dead a couple of days.
CAS
If that's true then why haven't we seen more dead people?
ESMERALDA
Am I dead?
Esmeralda stands, fingering the parts of her neck that are ragged and torn.
WEE-BAY
See.Just died and already back.
ESMERALDA
Wee-Bay, what's going on?
WEE-BAY
I'll tell you in a few minutes, baby.
PAUL
Okay, that explains the timing of it.But why is this happening at all?
WEE-BAY
End of the world, Bitchez.
CAS
What?
WEE-BAY
It's the zombie plague and it's coming to a world near you.Just like a stupid horror movie.The dead are rising and it's time to eat.
CAS
Judgment Day.
PAUL
Oh.That sucks.
WEE-BAY
What do you care, motherfucker.You're already dead.
PAUL
Undead.
WEE-BAY
Shut up.
ESMERALDA
Wee-Bay?
WEE-BAY
In a minute.
CAS
So what now?
WEE-BAY
I tell you what now.Soon, there's going to be a lot of motherfuckers rising from the grave around here.And those motherfucking zombies are going to head for town.Know what that means?
PAUL
What?
WEE-BAY
Competition.
CAS
For food.
PAUL
Oh, I get it.People are food.
ESMERALDA
Wee-Bay?People are food?
WEE-BAY
In a minute, baby.
Cas picks up a shovel.
CAS
This has been fun and all but I'm starving and want to beat the buffet crowd.
WEE-BAY
That's right.Time to feast, Bitchez.
Cas swings the shovel hard and fast, connecting with the side of Wee-Bay's head.He grunts and falls, pawing at his cracked-open skull.Esmeralda screams.Cas swings again, hitting her straight in the face.Her nose shatters and a few teeth fly.She drops to her knees.
PAUL
Cas, what are you doing?
CAS
What do you think?
(Smacks Wee-Bay a few more times)
Don't just stand there.Grab that shovel and finish her off.
Cas beats Wee-Bay until his head is nothing more than pulp.Paul does the exact same thing to Esmeralda.
PAUL
Why did we just do that?
CAS
Besides the fact they were annoying?I don't want any competition for food.The more we eat, the more of these things we're going to make.That means less food for us.
PAUL
That's a good point.How'd you think of it?
Cas turns and starts marching for the gates.Paul falls in behind him.
CAS
In the movies, there's always a ton of zombies all trying to get to like two or three people.That's not a lot of meat to go around.I figure we need to flip that around.Two zombies going after a whole town.
PAUL
So we eat, they die, they come back to life, and then we kill them again?
CAS
I don't think we have to wait until they come back.As long as we destroy the brain, we should be cool.
PAUL
No undeads other than ourselves.Well, until the cemeteries empty.
CAS
Yeah, but we have something these graveyard zombies won't have.
PAUL
What's that?
CAS
A car.
PAUL
That's right.
(rubs his hands together)
We're gonna chow down.
CAS
Yes we are.
PAUL
Can I make one request?
CAS
Sure.
PAUL
Can we eat Tommy first?
Cas pauses.Turns to Paul and slaps his shoulder.
CAS
You know, that's the smartest thing you've ever thought of.
PAUL
Thanks, Cas.That really means a lot.
CAS
No problem.
(resumes walking)
Now let's go eat that motherfucker.
FADE TO BLACK.
Full Post
No comments:
Post a Comment