Hope (A Brief Autobiography)

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I'm sure there are as many paths as there are people, and what worked for me may not suit others well.For those familiar with Kundalini, you could call me a fast burner.My early and teenage years had traumas, and even the healing I've undergone has been very intense.If you prefer a slower, gentler approach, that is perfectly fine and encouraged.But I prefer to dig in, get my hands dirty, and get things done so I can move on to a lasting, permanent peace more quickly.(Some people may call that impatience.I call it purposeful.)




Ten years ago, I was angry at the world and cynical.I was in a lot of pain but didn't understand really why.I was depressed, my therapist wasn't working, and neither were the drugs.I hated myself and couldn't deal with my own emotions, so I started self-injuring.This escalated family tensions and scared my parents.My anger and hate misdirected at my poor mother & step father were too much for them to handle, and I was eventually kicked out of the house.I was still in high school trying to graduate and didn't have a full time job, so this was profoundly problematic for me.The rest of the family wouldn't house me because they were too scared to take on the responsibility of a teenager on the verge of self-destruction.Then I lost both my best friend and my boyfriend in the same week, all while I was living in my car.



So I tried to kill myself.I had been sitting in my car in the back of a parking lot, all my belongings piled in the back seat, me crying.I was comfortable with my cutting by that point and thought that if I just took it a little bit further this one time, I could finally get relief from the emotional pain.I couldn't see any other options at the time.I still don't know how someone saw me, but almost right away I heard sirens and realized they were headed for me.Looking back now, it feels like a miracle.I never did find out who called 911 but I wish I could thank them.I was taken to the hospital, and then a mental hospital for two weeks (which was not helpful, by the way, except that it was somewhere to sleep).



Family still wouldn't take me in, and I ended up moving in with a much older man I didn't know.There were some good things he did for me, like encouraging me to get off the anti-depressants and nudging me to start working out.But the relationship was not healthy for either one of us, and it ended badly. I eventually got out, but not without retaliation from him for 7 years afterwards with stalking, harassing letters, even signs nailed up around my neighborhood during the night.He didn't just bother me, but my family, friends, and employers as well.I left one job humiliated.



Little by little, I pulled myself together and learned to find support.I cannot emphasize enough the importance of finding a good therapist or someone else to give a healing third-party perspective.It takes great humility and courage to let someone help us, especially if we deal with abandonment issues and have the kind of pride that makes it hard to lean on someone.We don't want to fall again.But I was fortunate enough to find a very spiritual and wise therapist.He taught me not to blame or criticize myself if I wanted to heal, and he completely turned my life around in less than two years. I am ETERNALLY grateful.



Once he helped me stabilize, I had a spiritual awakening.By then, I had learned enough tools and techniques from him to start helping myself, so I began developing and refining my own meditation technique.(At some point, I'll get around to writing about that in this blog, but it seems like I had some other stuff to get out first.)



I know what pain is.I know what self-loathing is.I know what loneliness is.Maybe you do, too.And I know that we can escape it.I don't know how to do it without a lot of hard work, but others seem to think we can.Maybe that is for the people who aren't trauma-ridden.My blog and my voice is for the people who need hope, the people who can't see a light at the end of the tunnel because the tunnel is too damn long and dark.I promise it gets better.It really does, if you can let it.I have full respect for how hard this all can be - really fucking hard.But when you get to the other side, it's so good and so amazing, you're going to say the craziest thing- that it was all worth it.I know that may be hard to believe depending where you are right now.I still deal with depression and hopelessness even now, it's just that it's tiny blips on the radar instead of an all-consuming monster.The moments have become like the last little mounds of snow melting away as spring warms the ground.I know they'll be gone soon. Me celebrating graduating college and getting my first job as an engineer.



I'm really glad I found WordPress and the spiritual community here.It's an amazing little gem.I hope you find what you're looking for here, too.
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