For those who come behind meI shed some light
My soul was withered, atrophied and dehydrated My spirit had retreated into the hibernation My heart was encased in a sheath of iceDry icehurtful to the touchIt was my defense against pain Old wounds still hurt inside the sheathwhat to do? What to do? Anesthetizedeaden the nerve endings Thunderbird, pot, sex, physical neglect A vegetable I'd becomea rotten one at that Drained of all nutritional value Unfit for use
My brain was in pain Exploding, implodingI couldn't maintain the life I'd worked so hard to build My life was made of straw, all surface and no substance The Universe huffed and puffed and blew my life down And I cowered, hands over my aching head, under the debris Choking, croaking Begging God to take me homeToo chicken to take the journey on my own
My constant query was when was it going to be my turn I woke one day to a shifted perception Only I can take my turn No one is going to come up and tap me on the shoulderOK, girlies'your turn now I could choose to spend my life sending out invites to my pity parties I felt rejected when no one even showed up to those Or I could insinuate myself into the mainstream of life
Oh, what a taskso much to knowhard to keep upout of breathDETERMINED Because deep in my heart I believed that me at my worst was often better than some at their best I wasn't going down again without a fight So I took control of my "self" My mother'd always told me to do thatSara, control yourself! But she never told me how
Howhow indeed I started by dusting off my brain Examining the flotsam and jetsam Exploring my values Hugging my monsters Addressing my traumas Maintaining a gratitude attitude Exploding the myths that had previously guided my journey I needed a dumpster!
My life is my canvas I choose what colors, what textures, what designs Only I choose!
I signed up for courses I engaged my brain I went from someone I didn't want to admit knowing To wanting to be my own best friend I was enjoying my company My pity parties stopped I even started to smile on the inside
The ache in my brain began to subside I learned of recovery Others struggling yet healing No longer on a downswing Moving up the slippery slope of despair Gaining ground Determined to cling to hope Cultivating hope Nurturing hope Celebrating hope
I am healing now I am becoming whole from the inside out My accomplishments reassure me I am on the right track I have left behind the clouds of gloom and doom I can now shed some light to those who come behind me
(C) 2009 Sara Goodman
Bio stuff: I am a decade into my recovery journey. Took me almost 5 decades to find my starting gateI did and now I am at the top of my game and constantly raising the barchallenging myself to conquer new heights, come to new understandings, master new skills, add the columns up differently. For most of my life, I was a flip flop in a sea of Manolosa day late/a dollar shortalmost pregnantwaiting for my bus at the airport wondering why my ship never came in. Then I discovered RECOVERY! and I finally felt the sun shine on my facemy spirit hydrated, my balloon filled with helium and I took to the skies joyous to be alive. My recovery is my main and constant wellness tool. I am committed to my recovery as if it were a dear lover, Yes, once in a bit, the clouds still gather around my shoulders but I am resilent nowI shake myself off, remember who I've become, and propel myself forwardin spite of myselfsheer determination sometimes but I do itwhatever it is at the moment. You, too, can embark on such a journey. Strap yourself in though because at times the ride can get bumpyit's for those moments that I glide, free of care, high in the air, that I live for. Ten years ago, you couldn't light a match near meI was so drunk, I would have combusted. I can take life's dings and knocks now and remain unscathed. Today, I have the pleasure, privilege and responsibility of shaping the curriculum for Howie the Harp's Peer Specialist Training Programs. If I can do it, you can do it! Bye, Leo
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