Tuesday, December 31, 2013

SAO Extra Edition: Swimsuit Art Online

Happy New Year's Eve! A-1 Pictures just had to give us more of this plague to anime. The shitheads that actually enjoy this can fap to this worthless fanservice episode all they like. As for me, I'm planning to get wasted so that I'm hoping that it'll make me think Sword Art Online never existed.

Which is impossible since Sword Art Online II was unfortunately announced. And I still have to tear it apart while it's on Toonami. Either way, Sword Art Online is never safe from my wrath.

Oh and Word of Advice: if you even try to comment with that "If you don't like it, then don't watch it" and/or "Haters gonna hate" bullshit, I suggest you think twice.

The episode begins in the summer of 2025. Kazuto and Suguha are (motor)biking to school to meet Asuna, Keiko, and Rika.

Hey, remember Keiko Ayano/Silica and Rika Shinozaki/Lizbeth? No? I bet you didn't because they were good characters.

Anyway, the reason is because they have to teach Suguha to swim, and somehow that means she can't swim in-game. I don't know; If you ask me, this reeks of Kawahara's "virtual life is the same as real life" bullshit morals.

Anyway, Kazuto heads to the counselor's office for emergency counseling, which is actually to meet a man named Kikuoka, an elite member of the Ministry of Internal Affairs's Virtual Division, and be interviewed about the incidents with SAO and ALO. It also turns out that he was the one who told Kazuto where Asuna was hospitalized, and allowed him to keep his NerveGear. You know, the ever-so-dangerous device that killed thousands of people and should've been disposed of.

Yeah, I remember when Kirito made up that shit about Silica looked like Suguha. Really, do they even look similar?

I'm not gonna go over the recap because it all leads to worthlessness either way, but I will point one thing out: Akihiko Kayaba said, and I quote: "There is no longer any method to revive someone within the game. If your HP drops to zero, your avatar will be forever lost. And simultaneously, the NerveGear will destroy your brain." In other words: Once your HP hits zero, your brain gets fried and you are dead. Game Over. No continues. Now, think about what happens in Episode 14 and you can realize what the problem is.

There's another thing that about the NerveGear that I just noticed: The thing is attached to your head, but the user has to calibrate it so that it can recognize his/her gender, body shape, height, etc. I mean, if it was a full-body scan, that's fine, but this is a device that GOES ON YOUR HEAD. You see the problem here, right?

Also, Kazuto said that the Floor Bosses are too strong to be beaten one-on-one. You have to Zerg Rush them to have a fair advantage. But Kirito solo'd The Gleam Eyes no problemo. Yeah, so much for teamwork, huh? How about I just point out every single damn inconsistency?

And really, do I even need to get started on that "Oh, I set up this elaborate plot to trap 10,000 people into a virtual realm and committed mass murder for no reason" bullshit Kayaba spews out? Really, that was the moment where Sword Art Online jumped the shark big time.

Although I will give points to Mr. Kikuoka for pointing out the stuff that makes no sense. Makes you wonder if he's aware of all the bullshit that happens in this show.

Yeah, then maybe you would've avoided looking like a fool for attempting to fuck your brother/cousin.

And Nobuyuki Sugou, NoNot just Sugou and his actually pretty hilarious moustache-twirling cartoonish villainy. ALL of the Fairy Dance arc. Really, about an hour worth of stuff that you can skip over and not miss a thing.

OK, you just can't not laugh at this guy.

Anyway, Kazuto mentions the Game Master abilities make you the God of the game and it was Sugou's thrist for power that led to his defeat. This coming from someone who took Sugou's GM powers with no explanation. And of course Kazuto never mentions that. Anyway, Kazuto leaves because he has to meet up with his harem to tackle a undersea sidequest in ALO and to show Yui a whale.

Oh, Silica. You mean Water Gun right? Because Sword Art Online has absolutely no originality that they have to copy off Pokemon, among other things.

The group goes down to an undersea temple where they meet an NPC named Nerakk. Leafa notices of the name she seems suspicious of.

"Qest Accepeted" Wow, someone's spell checker got drunk a little too early.

Thieves stole a pearl that Nerakk was going to give to someone and put it deep inside the temple. Kirito and Klein wonder whether they need to cover for Leafa's inability to swim and then they fall into a trapthat they even saw coming.

Idiots, that's who.

Anyway, a monster comes out from the trap which is named Armachthys. But I'm just gonna call it Relicanth, because it looks like Relicanth to me.

It even has a Rock Head ability, meaning you can't attack it head-on. Everyone attacks but Relicanth uses Whirlpool, which makes things even worse for Leafa. Kirito goes in and saves her by killing Relicanthwith one hitHey, didn't Kirito reset his stats at the end of last season. I don't think he reset his abilities to be Gary Stu.

Anyway, becuase A-1 apparently ran out of budget because at this moment the're only seven minutes left in the episode (Yeah, maybe next time you'll focus more on the video game part instead of girls in bikinis.), we're treated to a slideshow of the group reaching the pearl and bringing it back to Nerakk. However, it turns out that the pearl is actually an egg. And Kirito's group are the aforementioned thieves. And Nerakk is an anagram for Kraken. Yes, Kraken.

The Kraken is too powerful of a boss for even Kirito to defeat, but they're saved by Leviathan the Sea Lord. Honestly, I'd take the lesser cop-out over whatever Kirito's Deus ex Machina number God knows how much.

Well, Klein. You made the viewers waste their time.

So Leviathan takes them back to land with his giant whale, the quest is complete

we get a unnecessary shot of Leafa's tits

and that is 100 minutes of nothing more than a bunch of random events badly sewn together into a mess of completely godawful coherency. This anime, these 100 minutes of worthless here represents the bane of anime. I'll just stick with Log Horizon. I mean, it's not great, but at least it doesn't rely on catering to those with lower tastes.

Kazuto, the call is to more bullshit. Will you accept the charges? To be continued in Sword Art Online II, coming in 2014
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