Friday, December 20, 2013

Defending The Guilty

So I have reached the conclusion that if this whole writer/motivational speaker profession does not work out for me, I would make one great attorney. I have developed a pretty large portfolio already with my cases with the anorexia. Unfortunately, I have been on its side defending it. but do you see it in jail right now facing the death penalty? No. It is alive and free and unpunished. Considering the heinous crimes it has committed, that makes me quite the persuasive attorney. The anorexia is a mass murdered, taking lives every day and attempting even more. It assaults people, beating them up and destroying their bodies and minds. Not only does it physically assault but verbally assault as well. Its words of hate and cruelty are daggers to a person's self worth. It strips them of their self love and confidence. Every comment, every negative remark, every criticism over who they are and how they look tears one down and leaves them loathing themselves. It takes a once free, joyful, proud person and turns her into a trapped, anxious, depressed individual afraid to be seen. It has done severe mental damage, causing intense trauma and debilitating fear. It has robbed people of happiness, health, love, hope, life, experiences, and memories. It steals voices, making people silent so they are afraid to speak up for themselves and against the anorexia. It wants them to feel powerless and make them submissive. It becomes so commanding and large so its victims fear it and bow down to it, clinging to and following its every word. It threatens its victims so they will never disobey or go against it. Doing so would mean an even grimmer future for you and more torture. It studies you before making its move. It takes note of your weaknesses and cracks to find where it can slip in and take advantage. It just needs one self defeating thought, one moment of feeling unworthy to step in and begin its plan of destruction. It is an identity thief, stealing who people are and what makes them unique. It takes away their interests, the things that bring them joy, their friends and family. All that makes one who they are, it steals by taking over and stepping into them. it strips them of their name. while it leaves behind the body, nothing else about the person is the same once it makes its move. Nobody knows who that person is anymore. Their behavior is not reflective of the real them. it is their body acting and thinking on behalf of the anorexia. Every horrible crime known to man, the anorexia could be convicted for. However, it has gotten away with it all because my persuasive skills, stubbornness, and loyalty has kept the blood off of its hands and cleared any evidence to point the crimes to it. I have placed much doubt in people's minds about its true identity. Over and over it has been deemed not guilty. Over and over the jury has given the wrong verdict.

The anorexia has quite the rap sheet. There are not enough pages to compile all of its crimes. It has destroyed and taken millions upon millions of lives directly and indirectly. The witness list the defense attorney could call to testify would be neverending; survivors, family members, friends, doctors, therapists. There is plenty of evidence to convict the anorexia. There are bags upon bags of sealed items to use against it along with files of testimonies and statements of firsthand accounts from victims. But with me as its attorney, none of it makes a difference. Yes, I know it is guilty of every charge against it. Yes, I too hate my client. But for some reason that is beyond my comprehension, I keep defending it. I cannot drop it from my client list. Over the years, we have developed a tight bond. It stood by me through all the trials and tribulations of my life (most of which it caused) but always came through in the end by paying me in what I needed. It always followed through with my payments; giving me familiarity, numbness of emotions, security, control (although a false sense of it, I still felt like I had it), predictability. It eased my anxiety. For all the bad it did, I can rummage up one minor thing it did for me to cancel it all out. I am filled with excuses for that menace. I grasp at whatever to make it look better, to make it more presentable to the jury. When in front of the judge, I tell it to wear its nicest clothes and to never let him see the sly grimace that is plastered on its face. It has to appear nice and non threatening. It can easily appear harmless. Many underestimate the damage it can cause. It may possibly just be one of the most underrated criminal. Nobody realizes it power and the threat it is to innocent lives. If it was spotted on the streets, nobody would give it a second look or be suspicious of it. I hide it behind a mask of remorse and empty apologies. It says it is sorry and pleads its case, but I know it is lying through its teeth. I know it is all a front so it can be set free again. it will say and do whatever to be released. And very often that include promises that we both know will never be fulfilled. "I will stop telling her lies. I will tell her to get rid of the scale. I will let her eat whenever and whatever she wants. I will let her see her real self in the mirror. I will stop demeaning her. I will let her have her friends and family back. I will leave her alone. I will let her feel love and happiness. I will stop projecting my dreams on to her. I will no longer try to hurt her. I will let her be her own person." Every statement is a lie. The minute it hears the words "not guilty", that monster is going to go straight back to its old ways. Give it an hour, and I will find myself getting a call from it asking for my help to defend it again. Then the process begins once more.

For the more severe crimes, I can get it off on probation, but that means nothing to the anorexia. It just finds way to be more secretive and conniving. It becomes more manipulative and deceitful. It hides all of its behaviors, covering all of its tracks. it will make it look like its victim is unharmed and taking care of herself, but in reality, she is doing the opposite. The anorexia knows how to go rogue. It is behind it all taking control of the situation.

I cling to the hope that maybe it will change. Maybe it will just disappear on its own. Perhaps one of these days people will catch on to it and lock it away forever. Hopefully one day, I will have no need or desire to defend it anymore. It is my fight for it that is keeping it free. it is me turning my back to the truth and being blind to its true colors that is allowing it to continuously wreak havoc. For being someone who has been victim to its crimes and abuse, you would think I would do all I can to put it away and know I would never get hurt again. you would think I would be fighting against it, using up my energy to stop it from hurting any more people, working to banish it forever. I dream about it no longer existing, imagine living my life not tied to the anorexia. But those visions never make it to see the light. I face the anorexia and my knees get weak. I run back to it like it never did anything wrong. I fear letting it go. I fear who I will be without it. I defend it for the sake of my lack of faith in myself and recovery. I defend it because it gives me the only life I can remember. I defend it because it gives me what I have come to believe I deserve. But my defending it is impacting more than me. it is risking the lives of others too. I am using my voice in the wrong way. I am directing my anger and energy towards the wrong thing. I may just be one but I am one in an army of millions who want to stop the crime spree of the anorexia. It just takes one step to the other side of the court room to be free. one step over and I am closer to a more beautiful life. one step over and I can make a difference. I need to quit my job and take my skills elsewhere.
Full Post

No comments:

Post a Comment