Sunday, December 22, 2013

Holiday Blues

Still feeling down. Not only is the loneliness a major source of frustration, my money situation is really bothering me. I love Christmas. It's a wonderful time of the year. More than anything, I love sending people cards and giving them gifts. This year, I had to be selective in my card sending and can only afford gifts for my sister and bro-in-law. I got stuff for my nephew, but my sister and I figured out it would go to waste. So I'm getting them cheap gifts, gifts they asked for (out of pity), even though they surprised me with a lavish, amazing gift. It makes me feel like shit. I'd give them the clothes off my back. I've not been picking up any extra work the last three weeks. I'm going to have to bully my boss into it. Not only does the money help, it gives me something to do. The busier I am, the less time I have to worry about my mental and physical health. Free time is my downfall. I've thought about trying to set up a little sideline, doing people's family trees for them, since I'm pretty good when it comes to genealogy. I don't think I'd have any takers though. I've been feeling really panicky and anxious lately. Combine that with the depression, I'm a hot mess. I wish I was normal. I wish I wasn't a horrendous person. I wish I didn't look like a gelatinous monster. I wish I mattered.
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