An old script I wrote for a sitcom.The concept was twenty something whose life falls apart, so his two younger brothers come live with him (after burning down their own flat).This wasn't the first episode.Since I never finished the other scripts and probably never will, the only way it will ever see the light of day is here.Ah, self-publication...
Scene 1, the train
Harry is sat reading the paper on the tube and drinking a coffee.He takes a sip and sets it down on the table and the train lurches.His drink spills and splashes across the table and onto the man opposite.Harry jumps up in concern
Harry: Oh I'm so
See a shot of the guy opposite - a big skinhead wearing a camo jacket.He is looking at his lap in disbelief.
Harry: (very quickly) Oh god it's a skinhead
Scene 2, the hospital
Dave and Father Duncan, a Scottish priest, walk into a ward and are greeted by a smiling nurse.
Nurse: Hello, Father Duncan.Come for your weekly visits?
FD: Yes I have my dear.And I've brought a helper with me this week.This is David.
Nurse: Lovely to meet you David.How long are you going to be doing community service for?
Dave: Oh, noI'm not a criminal.I just want to help out.
Nurse: (looking him up and down; then, with disbelief) Rightanyway, if the pair of you would like to come this way.
She leads them off down the hall
Dave: (whispering to FD) She thinks I'm a geezer
FD: Try not to worry about it.Everyone assumes you must have an agenda to do hospital visits.
They stop at a room
Nurse: Right well, this is your first room.You know what you're doing, Father.Just shout(looks meaningfully at Dave)if there's any trouble. (leaves)
FD: You go in here, Dave.I'll be just next door.This gentleman is called Graham.I'm sorry to say, he's terminal.
Dave: Ok(FD turns to go) Father Duncan. (he turns back)Can I just say thanksfor letting me do this.I really appreciate it.Peoplewell, people can kind've judge me on my appearance.I'm glad you didn't.
FD: Of course not.We always welcome volunteers to help in the Church's work, David.You have a good heart.
Dave goes into the room.An old fella, Graham, is sat watching the TV.
Graham: (with some concern) Hello?
Dave: (looking awkward) Hi.
They stare at each other for a moment.Then nurse comes bursting in.
Nurse: Mr Forster!Did you press your panic button?
Graham: Yes!This man has come in here to rob me!After my painkillers, I expect.
Nurse: Did you try and rob Mr Forster?!
Dave: No!I've literally justwalked into the room.
Graham: With his long hands, like a nest of snakes
Nurse: I'm afraid I'm going to have to search you
Dave: What for!?
Graham: My morphine, you smackhead!
Dave: (pointing)That's the fucking second time, grandpa!
Nurse: Excuse me!
Dave: Ohsorry.Look, I've literally just come in the room.Even if I wanted to steal his painkillers, I wouldn't have had time.I'm here to comfort thisGraham.I'm a good guy.
Graham: You!?How are you going to comfort me? put your head in an egg-cup and pretend you're breakfast!
Dave: (snapping)Oh that is it!
He launches at the old geezer, and the nurse grabs him.
Scene 3, the King's Tavern
Sock is sat at the bar, staring at Big Mike, who is stood behind the bar resolutely staring back at him.
Sock: Can I pleasehave a drink?
Big Mike: You can have a drink when your useless brother turns up for his shift.
Sock: Common, manI'm parched here.
Big Mike: And I'm tired.I want to go home.I want to see my wife and my child, who will ask me, when I come home, "where have you been daddy?"And what will I say to him, eh?Sorry my son, but I cannot come home until the glorified crash test dummy that I pay to work in my bar turns up to do the work he being paid to do.
Sock: Oh don't bring the kid into this again
Dave comes bustling in, obviously having rushed here.He trundles round behind the bar.
Dave: Sorry I'm late, Big Mike.
Big Mike: Oh so you work here, do you?Because you've been gone for so long that I have advertised for your job, run a series of interviews and hired a troop of midgets to replace you!
Sock: (Sock reaches over the bar and starts pulling his own pint)Don't be apologising to himhe wouldn't serve me a drink until you got here!Apologise to me.I hate this pub.
Big Mike: Customers don't touch the taps!
Dave: Look, I'm really sorry.I was at church.
Sock: (finishing his pouring) Why?It's Wednesday.
Dave: (looking a little sheepish) Well you know
Sock: (taking a sip from his beer and sitting back down) Not really
Big Mike: That costs money you know.
Sock: Can we put it on my tab?
Big Mike: You don't have a tab, nor will you.You pay!(To Dave)Dave, I'm going home.Make sure this joker pays for his drink and stop showing up late for work.
Dave: Sorry, Big Mike.
Big Mike: Not yet you're not
Big Mike leaves.
Sock: Put the pint on the old tab, eh?I'm a bit short of green.
Dave: (reaching into his pocket, taking money and putting it in the till)I'll get it for you.
Sock: Bloody hell.You've bought me a drink and you've been to church on a Wednesday.Everything alright, brotherman?(jokingly) You didn't kill someone did you?
Dave: (hesitantly)WellI just
Sock: Fuck me, you didn't kill someone did you!?
Dave: No no, nothing like that.I justwell I just feel like all I ever do is take from life.I felt like it might be time to give something back.So thought I'd get involved with some charity work.I've volunteered to do hospital visits and stuff
Sock: (looking full of love) AwwwwwDave, lad!
Dave: (a bit embarrassed) There's a bit of a complication
Sock: Riiight ?
Dave: Well it's justthe thing isI think it might be because of the old skin-top(indicates his head)
Sock: What might?
Dave: Well, I think Father Duncan thinks I might be a bitkindaunstableyou knownot fit to visit sick people.So he's kinda putting me through a bit of a trial periodyou knowbefore he lets me talk toothers
Sock: Ahprobably standard practice.
Dave: That's the thingit's not.
Harry comes into the pub and sits down at the bar.
Sock: Hazzle Dazzle!How's it going?
Harry looks at him with a blank, 'the things I've seen' face.
Sock: What's wrong.
Harry: I spilt my coffee on a skinhead.
Harry: On the trainI spilt my coffee on a skinhead
Sock: Have you been beatenwas there abuse?
Dave: This is exactly the problem!I'm sure the guy was as cool as Christmasnot all skinheads are monsters you know, Sock!Did you get the beating you quite probably deserved, Harry?
Harry: Not quite
Cut back to Harry sat on the train.
Harry: I am so sorry
The skinhead looks up from his lap, and his expression softens.
Skinhead: Hey, don't worry about it brother, these things happen
Dave: Seee?Don't judge a book by its cover, you pair of fucking pricks! (finishes pulling Harry a pint and passes it to him)Even called you "brother"the guy sounds like a legend.
Harry: (takes a drink, then looks at Dave) That's not all he did
Cut back to scene.
Harry: What ?Whatyou mean really?
Skinhead: 'Courseyou didn't mean it(he laughs and Harry joins in nervously) I mean, 'live and let live'(the laughter continues, Harry joins in more vehemently)
Cut back to the pair laughing.
Skinhead:I mean it's not like you're a blackie!
Harry immediately stops laughing.
Skinhead: (still chuckling) I mean it's not like you're a black bloke, or a Jew.Then I'd have to really knock your block off(the train comes to a halt) Anyways, mate, this is my stop.Again, no worries(he gets up and departs, and as he goes, his jacket opens enough to show to Harry that he is wearing a black t-shirt with an enormous swastika on it)
Sock: (disbelievingly)It's not like you're a black bloke or a Jew ?
Harry: That's what he said.
Dave: He was probably kiddingit was probably just a mis-guided joke
Sock: About attacking black blokes and Jews?
Harry: I just didn't know what the fuck to doI was in shock.The guy had a t-shirt with a swastika on it
Dave: Look, I think you're just judging this guy based on one comment.
Harry and Sock both give Dave a meaningful look.
Dave: You don't know what it's like being a skinhead!Everyone judges you, no matter where you go!Everyone looks at you and assumes, before you even open your mouth, that you're a right-wing monster.It's hard to come across well in those kind of situations!
Sock: The guys had a swastikaon his t-shirt!
Dave: There's a million good reasons to wear a swastika!
Wide shot of the pub and we suddenly see that FD is standing there, looking stunned.Dave, Harry and Sock all realise he is standing there.Dave's face falls.
Scene 4, the kitchen
Sock, Willow and Harry are sat around.Willow has just finished making an enormous doobie.Harry is sat in a chair, head tipped back, asleep.
Sock: Pretty bad luck on Dave's part.
Willow: Yeah manwhy was your priest dude there? (lights the spliff and draws)
Sock: Was just passingsaid he just fancied popping in to see where Dave worked.To be honest, after hearing Dave basically express his condolences for the Nazi party not outlasting the war, I think he was pretty much ready to get out of there.
Willow: Heavy.Where's Dave now?
Sock: Closing up.
Willow: (passes the joint) I should warn you, dude, that that's pretty powerful stuff.
Willow: Yeah.It's called Green Ninja.Takes the top off your head.I smoked a load of it yesterday and then sat in the shower for six hours, just wrinkling up like a prune.Plus it can make you hallucinate a bit.
Willow: Yeahjust see colours and hear weird sounds and stuff.
Sock takes a long draw on the joint.He swoons a little, giggles and then, still grinning, coughs smoke everywhere.He looks at Willow and we suddenly cut to a Sock's-eye-view.Willow is bright blue and leaps from his chair towards the camera screaming.
Shot of Sock's reaction.He flinches, shrieks and flings himself backwards off the chair onto the floor.
Cut to Willow, looking a little perturbed, sat perfectly normally in his chair.
Willow: Are you alright, dude?
Sock begins giggling like a twat from out of shot.
Harry stirs and opens his eyes
Harry: (bleary)What's going on?
Willow: Sock's lost it a bit.Want some draw?
Harry: (sleepily)No, man.I'm gonna go to bed.
Willow: Why so sleepy?
Harry: Ah, they're breaking my balls at work.We're putting on a massive exhibition next moth about the Nazis.
Willow: Really?How ironic.
Harry: Yes, I suppose it is, all things considered. Night then. (walks out)
Sock: (calling after him, from the floor) Hiel Hitler!
Willow: (looks at him in disgust) Dudeno
Scene 5, a coffee bar
Harry is sat at a table reading a book (Mien Kampf).Sock comes over with a coffee and sits down.
Sock: 'Sup brother.
Harry: (not looking up) Meh.
Sock: What're you reading ? (looks at the cover and suddenly flinches) What the FUCK!?What the hell is that!?
Harry: It's Mien Kampf.
Sock: Mien Kampf!MIEN KAMPF!It's not your fucking kampf Harry, it's Hitler's kampf!Hitler!Adolf Hitler!What the fuck are you doing reading that!?
Harry: All right, just calm down, will you?It's for work, okfor the exhibition.
Sock: It's Mien Kampf!
Harry: It's research, alright?!
Sock: Harry, seriously, you've got to put that thing away.People are staring!
Harry: No they're not
Sock: Well, I'm staring!
Harry: I need to read it!
Sock: Can't you read it at home for crying out loud!?
Harry: Look just chill out alright!
Sock: You're reading Mien Kampf!
Harry: Could you stop saying Mien Kampf really loudly please?And what do you want me to do?
Sock: Hide it, tear the front cover off, put it inside another book.I don't care.Just please don't force me to sit at a table with you in a public place while you read Hitler's prison diary!Lookhere.Just put it in this(pulls out a leather case)
Harry: What's that?
Sock: It's Dave's Bible case.
Sock: Dave's Bible caseit's just a leather cover-slip to put a Bible in to protect it.
Harry: Why do you have that?
Sock: It's Dave's. He gave it to me to look after.
Harry: I'm not putting Mien Kampf in a Bible case!
Sock: Oh so suddenly there is something wrong with Mien Kampf after all?
Harry: Look, just no, alright?Would you shut up, you're making a scene.
Sock: Its just an indiscriminate leather case, Harry!And it will hide the fact that the book you are currently holding has the words Mien Kampf and an enormous swastika on the front!
Harry: Fine!If it will shut you up (snatches the Bible case) There's a Bible in here
Harry: I said "there's a Bible in here."
Sock: Oh shit it must be Dave's
Harry: Why "oh shit?"
Sock: Because he's going to some Bible study group today with Father Duncan.
Harry: It's a churchI'm sure they'll have other Bible's for him to use.
Sock: Yeah, but Dave wanted to show Father Duncan his copyit's the one he got signed by James Hetfield you know, from Metallica.
Harry: Dave is a weird guy(opens the Bible) Well what do you know"Keep the faith and stay metal, James Hetfield"actually that is pretty cool.
Sock: Yeah, it is. And Dave was gonna use it as a way to try and get back in Father Duncan's good books after the old swastika misunderstanding.
Harry: Ah yes.Ok, well we'll swing by the church on the way home and see if they're still there.(puts the Bible in his bag)
Sock: Fine. Now will you please cover up your Hitler-rag.
Harry: Yeah, yeah. (slides Mien Kampf into the Bible cover)
Scene 6, outside Father Duncan's church
Sock and Harry are sat on a wall opposite a large church.Sock is making what is clearlya very large joint.
Sock: So what's this exhibition all about then?
Harry: Oh, you know. Just standard sort of stuff.We've been slowly collecting war memorabilia - guns and photos and stuff - for ages, and Eugene's old man finally decided that we should put something together for VE day.Eugene got given the Allies, cause he's the boss' son, and so I got lumped with the bad guys.
Sock: It's pretty weak, reading Mien Kampf.
Harry: It's history.
Sock: It's a hate crime!
Harry: Whatever, I don't wanna talk about it with you any more.Can I have some joint please?
Sock: Yeah I spose(passes it to Harry) I should warn you, it's pretty powerful stuff, man.
Harry: You always say that
Harry takes a long draw
Sock: Yeah, but this time I mean it.
Harry grins and starts coughing smoke, just as Sock did.We then get the same Harry's-eye-view of blue Sock launching himself forward and yelling.Again, we see Harry's reaction as he shrieks and falls off the wall.Then we here him giggling like a tit on the floor.
Sock: Fuck's sake.
Harry: (laughing and slurring, from the floor) It's pretty powerful stuff, man!
Sock: This is unbelievablewould you at least give me the joint back please?
Harry: (even more slurred, still laughing) It's pretty powerful stuff, man
Across from them the doors of the church open.Father Duncan comes out and spots the pair.He waves and begins walking over.
Sock: Oh shit, man!It's Father Duncan.
Harry: It's pretty pow
Sock: Harry shut the hell up and get off the floor!
Sock jumps down off the wall and pulls Harry up to his feet.He takes the spliff from him, has a quick draw and then throws it away.Father Duncan approaches.Harry looks very stoned.
Father Duncan: Boys!How good to see you.To what do I owe the pleasure ?
Sock: Oh errwe were just in the area
Harry: (giggly)It's pretty powerful stuff.
FD: I seeI was just with your brother.
Sock: Oh yeahBible study, right?Oh yeah!That's why we came by!Harry, give him the book!
Harry looks sleepily at Sock and then makes a questioning face.
Sock: (meaningfully)The book in your bag, Harry!That we came to give to Father Duncan.Why not give it to him?
Harry hiccups and then begins to rummage in his bag.He pulls out the Bible Cover, with book inside.
FD: A Bible?
Sock: Dave wanted you to see this but he left it with me.Have a ganders at it.(smiling) You'll see why when you open it!
Sock looks at Harry, who is grinning stupidly at FD.After a moment
Sock: Give him the book, Harry!
Harry:(jolting into action, still grinning and slurring) It's pretty powerful stuff, man.
FD: Indeed it is!Thank you very much boys.See you soon perhaps.
Sock: Absolutely!(angrily) Right Harry, let's get you home!
Scene 7, the lounge
Dave comes in.Sock and Willow are sat on the couch watching TV.
Dave: Why is Harry being sick in the toilet?
Sock: Better than him being sick in here
Dave: It was more the being sick part that I was asking about.
Sock: (shrugs)Boy can't take his Mary Jane.
Dave: What's Mary Jane?
Willow: Mary Jane is a euphemism for the drug marijuana; it arises from the phonetic similarity of the two terms.
Dave: Oh right.Hahapoor Harry.
Willow: Don't laugh, man. Anyway, Sock, that stuff made you hella sick too.
Sock: He'll be fine
Harry comes in, carrying a glass of water, looking flushed and wiping his mouth.
Harry: Well, until about five minutes ago that was proving to be the best afternoon of my life.
He sits down.As he does so, the doorbell goes.
Harry: Shotgun not!
Sock and Dave: Shotgun not!
All three look at Willow.He looks back for a moment then sighs and trots off out of the room.
Harry: We gave your Bible to Father Duncan, by the way.
Dave: Oh really!?Was he impressed?
Sock: We didn't stay to find out.
Dave: Fair enough.I'll ask him about it when I next see him.Might pop round tomorrow before work.
Sock: How's it all goingyour little trial period?
Dave: Ummok.The swastika thing didn't help matters.He says he's still not sure I'm really suited for this kind of work.
Sock: At least he's being polite about it.
Willow comes back in with a handful of letters and a package.
Willow: Your post's here, manDaveDaveDave Dyou have a lot of post, dude.
Dave: It'll be my subscriptions.I like to keep a few subscriptions on the go at any one timefor tax purposes.
Willow looks inquisitively at the others
Harry: He thinks he pays less tax if he has subscriptions to lots of magazines.
Willow: Oh right.Wow(looks at the package) this one's for DrCarpenter.Is that your dad?
Harry: No, that's me.
Willow: You're not a doctor!
Harry: Yes I am.
Willow: Prove itdiagnose me or something.
Harry: Not that kind of doctorI have a PhD.
Willow: I didn't know you guys went to university.
Sock: We didn'tjust plain, ordinary muggles, me and Dave (at the word "muggles", Harry slumps in his chair - he has obviously heard this before)But old Harry hereHarry was special.When the owl arrived from Hogwarts there was ever such a fuss.Our mum would've put an ad in the local newspaper, I think.Oh and all the books and pointy hats, and Harry's newt!What a commotion there was as we wished him well on his first daywe, his poor muggle brothers, who would never know Dumbledore's tender love.And when the Sorting Hat put him in Gryffindor, well!I tell you.Our family pride couldn't have swelled more.Dad opened the bottle of champagne he'd bought the day Harry was born.Of course, Harry's great nemesis, Finksly Spikefoot, got into Slytherine like we all knew he would would.Oh and the letters home, with Harry's endless stories of Quidditch triumphthey melted our hearts!
Willow:Dudeyou went to Hogwarts?
Harry: No, I didn't go to Hogwarts.I went to Oxford.But the boys both think its funny to pretend I went to Hogwarts.
Sock: (doing the 'polite whisper') He's sad because they dropped him from the Quidditch team when Harry Potter arrived.
Harry takes the parcel, 'accidentally' bashing Sock over the head with it as he goes to sit down.He opens it and looks shocked.
Dave: What you got Hazza ?
Harry pulls, from the parcel, the jacket of a Nazi uniform
Scene 8, the kitchen
Harry is pacing about, on the phone.Sock is sitting grumpily looking at Willow, who is putting up an enormous swastika flag on the wall.
Harry: Yes, I understand that you needed to put an address on it all, Eugene.What I don't understand is why exactly you put my address on itwell you could have put your address on it?well, funnily enough I don't want a box of Nazi stash turning up on my front doorstep eitherno I don't think the postman knew what was in ityou could have had it sent to the museumwell it is a big deal because now I have to walk to work with it all in my bagI'll tell you why it matterswell what if I'm in a car accident on the way to work and I'm knocked down and the contents of my bag are strewn across the road for all to seewell yeah I guess I would have bigger problems then, yeahfinelook I'll see you at workyeah, bye (Harry hangs up the phone; he then sees what Willow is doing) What the hell are you doing?
Willow: I'm putting your stuff up on the wall
Harry: This isn't my stuff, Willow
Willow: Butdudeit had your name on the package
Harry: (disbelieving) WillowWillowit's a giant flag with a swastika on it
Willow looks at it and then looks back at Harry, looking confused and a bit upset
Sock: Turn it the other way up, dude
Willow does so and looks shocked
Willow: I'm sorry man(starts taking it down)
Harry turns around and nearly smashes into Dave wearing a swastika armband and looking pleased with himself.
Harry: Whaaa!What the
Dave: Achtung, baby!
Harry: Would you take that thing off?It's an antique for crying out loud! I don't want to think how much its worth.
Sock: (sarcastically) Yeah, Dave.Don't mess up Harry's precious armband and other fascist memorabilia
Harry: What's wrong with you?
Sock: I just don't particularly like having all this shit in our house
Harry: Our house?You realise you have to pay rent to continue to maintain the illusion that this house, whose mortgage is in my name, for which I pay all the bills and
Dave:and to which all of his illicit Nazi fetish-wear is sent.
Harry gives Dave a long, contemptuous look
Harry: What if Father Duncan saw you wearing that, eh?That'd add nicely to your recent blunders.
Dave: Yeah, yeah.Well I have no intention of wearing this anywhere he might see, thanks, ballsack.
Harry: Just take it off all right.I'm bagging the whole lot up and taking it in to work as soon as I get the chance.Can you drive me into work on Monday?
Dave: Yeah alright.
Harry: Fine.I'll stick it in the van, neatly avoiding the car crash scenario.
Dave's phone goes off and he take it out and answers it.
Dave: The mobile of Daveoh hello Father Duncan, we were just talking about you, funnily enough (he winks at Sock and Harry and indicates with glee that he is still wearing the armband - they both roll their eyes)what's that?Oh yeah, for certain I can come overanything the matter?yup oksee you then. (he hangs up)
Harry: What's that about then?
Dave: Dunno.Said he needs to talk to me urgently.Maybe he's decided I'm not nuts after all.
Harry: Don't count on it
Dave: Whateversee you gays later (frog marches from the room).
Brief shot of Dave ringing the doorbell of the presbytery
Scene 10, the house
Sock is stood in the hall rummaging through papers on the table.
Sock: (calling) Harry!Have you seen my keys?
Harry: (from the kitchen) You gave them to me before.They're in my bag, I think.Under the stairs.
Sock goes to the cupboard under the stairs and opens it.Harry's bag is hanging up.He opens it and puts his hand inside to rummage for his keys.After a second, we see his expression change to one of confusion.He slowly pulls out a book - a Bible.He opens it, still looking confused.Inside it reads "Keep the faith and stay metal, James Hetfield".For several seconds we see Sock's confusion as his eyes flick backwards and forwards, his little mind attempting to compute the information in front of him.Then, suddenly, his face drops.
Cut to Harry in the kitchen, reading a book.There is the sound of an enormous crash.He looks up.
Harry: Sockwhat the hell are you doing?
Sock comes dashing into the kitchen with a bag on his shoulders and a duvet in his arms.
Sock: (hurriedly) Harry, pack a bag, we're going away for a few days.
He runs to the fridge and crams a load of food in his open bag.
Harry: Woah woah!Wait a second, what's going on here!?
Sock: No timejust pack a bag and save yourself
He darts back out of the room and we hear him go charging out of the front door.But almost immediately he is in the kitchen again.
Sock: (running through and throwing the Bible onto the table without pausing)Shit he's coming down the road!
Dashes out of the back door and disappears into the garden.
Harry, in confusion, picks up the Bible.He looks at it for a second, then opens it.He sees the signature and immediately freaks out.
Cut to Dave coming up the front path, towards the door (ajar) clearly on the warpath.He storms into the house and slams the door behind him.
Dave: Sock!Harry!Where are you!?
We see him go crashing in and out of the rooms looking for the pair, but the camera stays in the hall.As he disappears to go look in the kitchen, the door of the cupboard under the stairs inches open.Harry, after taking a little peek in both directions, comes crawling out on all fours and starts wriggling towards the front door.Suddenly Dave comes back round the corner.
Dave: Ah ha!Got you, you little shit!
Harry begins to frantically crawl away.
Harry: It was an accident!
Dave comes over and stands on the edge of his trousers so he can no longer escape.
Dave: Where's the other one?
Harry: (still wriggling) He ran away.
Dave: FineI'll deal with him later.Get up!
Dave: 'Cause I'm not gonna hit you while you're on the floor.
Harry immediately goes limp and lies on the floor at Dave's feet.
Dave: Oh fine!
He leans over and picks Harry up and winds up an enormous punch.
Harry: Dave no!Anger's a sin!
Shot of a Harry's-eye-view of the punch landing.Harry yelps.The Camera goes dark, but we hear the sound of continued pummelling.
SCENE 11, THE PUB
Dave: I can see why they decided to make anger a sinit's very destructive isn't it?
Cut to Harry leaning back in his chair with a large bag of ice pressed against his face.He should be very beaten up - not just a little black eye but quite a bit of blood to, as well as a bandaged hand.
Dave winces a little bit and takes an awkward drink of his pint.
Dave: Sorry about your faceand your ribs and handand yourgenitals.
Harry: I'll recover.
Dave: Pretty poor show, Sock leaving you to face the firing-squad alone.
Harry: (putting the ice pack down on the table) Well, I'm sure he'll get his when he returns.
Dave: Nah, I've calmed down now
Dave: I wonder where he's got to
Harry: He's probably back in the house eating marmalade sandwiches and feeling pleased with himself.
Cut to Sock coming to the front of a queue in an airport terminal
Sock: Look, I've only got EUR6.80 on me, but I need a flight out of the country NOW.I'll go anywhere.
Harry: It genuinely was an accident.We were kinda high.
Dave: I know.It's ok.
Harry: How did Father Duncan take it?
Dave: Relatively well, once I got his housekeeper off of me.He just sent me on my way and said we should talk about it after church tomorrow, when we've got clear heads.
Harry: That sounds positive, doesn't it?
Harry: Well why do you look so glum then?
Dave: It's justthis is the first time, pretty much ever, that I've tried to do something really good.And so far, all I've managed to do is nearly beat up a terminal patient, actually beat up you and distribute Nazi literature to a priest.
Harry: Do you think that might be telling you something?
Dave: (laughing) It's telling you you need to work out more! Boom!Down like a sack of spuds you went! (pats Harry on the shoulder) Know what I'm saying?
Harry: Focus, Dave.
Dave: Oh yeah, sorry.
Harry: I think it's telling you that you just need to be calmer about things.Just don't get so angry so quickly.
Dave: Riiight ?
Harry: Do you understand what I mean?
Dave: I don't think so, no
Harry: Okok!Say someone bumps into you in a pub and they spill your drink all over your clothes.You're soaked in beer.What do you do?
Dave: (quickly) I hit the prick.
Harry: Right, there you go!But the guy is saying "I'm sorry, mate, it was an accident!"
Dave: Ohhhhhh!I get it.I get him in a headlock!
Harry: (drops his head in his hands) No, Davelook, brotheryou just need to chill out, yeah?Just, do some mediation exercises or something.Just be mellow, yeah?
Dave: Ok, I'll try(finishes his drink) Shall we go home, see if Sock is back?
Harry: Yeah, ok.(tries to stand, winces)Ohh
Dave: You ok?
Harry: Yupjust the old goolies.Still a bit bruised, I think.
Dave: Right, yeah.Sorry again.Calm!Got it!
Scene 12, the house
The scene begins with a shot of the sun rising, making clear that it's a new day.
We see Dave.He is wearing a shirt and is stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, clearly very anxious and fiddling with collar.He sighs and goes through to the kitchen.
In the kitchen, Sock is lying asleep in a chair, his head on the table, half a sandwich lying next to him.Dave starts banging about making food, and wakes Sock, who starts into consciousness and instantly scoops up a butter-knife, looking around in terror.He identifies his surroundings and relaxes, putting the knife down.
Dave: Everything alright?You're jumpier than I am.
Sock: (groggily) Yeahjust still a little on edge from yesterday.It'll subside.(he takes a proper look at Dave)Dave, you're wearing a shirt?Are you going to court or something?
Dave: No, I'm going to church.
Sock: Aaahthe old rematch with Father Duncan.
Dave: Yeah, I'm pretty nervous about it.I reallydon't want to screw up this time.This has got a real 'last chance' feeling about it.
Sock: Yeah, you look pretty tense. (stretches) Man I slept badly.
Dave: Why'd you sleep at the table.
Sock: It's this draw, man.It takes you too a place way beyond chilled out.You're like really chilled out.It's great stuff.
Dave: Hang onit calms you down?Likelots?
Sock: This stuff would calm Jim Carey down
Dave: Give us some, eh?
Sock: I thought you were going to church?You can't go to church high, man
Dave: Normally I'd totally agree with you, but today is a special case.I'm really on edge here and I can'tscrew this up.
Sock: And you reckon handing your mental faculties over to a psychotropic substance is the best way to deal with that
Dave: Well, so far notbeing high hasn't exactly helped me, has it?Bit of grass will make me less talkative, stop me putting my foot in my mouth.
Sock:well I can't really fault that logic.It's pretty powerful stuff though, I warn you
Dave: I'm not Harry, Sock!I can take it.
Cut to shot of Dave sparking up a big joint.Exactly the same way as Willow and Harry he takes a long draw then coughs thick smoke and starts giggling.This time, however, we don't see a P.O.V. shot - he just looks at Sock and suddenly screams, falling off his chair onto the floor and giggling like a twat.Sock watches him on the floor for a moment then leans out of shot.He picks up the joint and takes a long draw.
Scene 13, inside the church
Dave is inside a big, old church.It is empty and he is stood at the back.He looks very pale and sickly.We can see incense burners working furiously near the altar.
Go to a P.O.V. shot of Dave, looking around, with a voiceover.
Dave: (very slowly)I feel very, very calmI don't even remember what I was worrying aboutI wish those smoke machines up the top would stopwhy is the church emptyI feel bad insidethink I need a little sit down.
He trundles over to the confessional and gets inside. We go back to P.O.V. of him looking around in the darkness.
Dave: It's very hot in herecan still smell that smokeoh dearwhich way is down?really don't feel wellif I just close my brain, I can imagine this isn't about to happen
Go back to a shot of Dave sat in the confessional.He suddenly collapses out of shot and we hear retching and the sound of someone being violently sick.
Scene 14, outside the church
A quick shot of Father Duncan stood outside the church welcoming people as they arrive. Perhaps also a shot of Dave peering out of the confessional.
Suddenly we hear shuffling in the other half of the confessional.A boy's voice (Timmy) is heard.
Timmy: Father Duncan?
Timmy: Father Duncan, is that you?
Dave: Not exactly.Who's that?
Timmy: TimmyI wanted to talk about my sins.
Dave: Uhhhwell, you can talk to me about them, but I can't do a confession.
Timmy: OkI stole some sweets.
Dave: From a shop or from home?
Timmy: From home.
Dave: Ohwell that's not too bad.
Dave: Well, it's not great.But we've all done it.UmmmI guess I better give you a punishment.
Dave: Right Timmy, as punishment for stealing sweets, I want you to take these (he passes what seems to be a bundle of linen through to the other side of the confessional)
Timmy: They smell of puking
Dave: I know they dotake them and give them a really good wash in the toilets outside, and then bring them straight back.Do you understand?
Timmy: Yes I do, Mr man-in-the-dark.Wash these, then bring them right back.
Dave: Good lad.See you soon.
Timmy: See you soon.
Timmy goes out with the bundle and we see Dave watch him through the slots in the confessional.His mother is waiting just outside.When he comes out with the bundle she sees them and says "where did you get those awful things!You naughty boy, you're coming with me!"She drags him off, bundle and all.As Timmy goes past, he gives the confessional a big "whoops" shrug.
Dave sits back down.
Dave: Oh dear.
Scene 15; the lounge
Sock is sat on the couch with Willow. Neither have any trousers on.They are both eating toast and watching children's cartoons.
Sock: Jeez I'm high.
Willow: Yeah manwhat's got into you?Normally you steer pretty clear of the drugs
Sock: Yeah but this stuffmaaann
Willow: Dave was pretty high when he left
Sock: YupJust wandered out the house about an hour early.
Willow: Where are our trousers?
His phone begins to ring.
Sock: Look, its Dave now.Bet he's just realised he's way too early.(answers)Y'ello?
Dave: Sock, I'm in a real scrape here!I need your help.
Sock: Chill brother, cause I know exactly what you're going to say
Cut to Dave, sat naked in the dark
Dave: I'm naked in a confessional with vomit all over my clothes.
Cut to Sock
Sock:that came as a surprise.
Dave: What am I going to do?
Sock:I'm sorry, this is Dave, yeah?
Sock: Right okokwhy are you in confessional?
Dave: I was in church waiting for Mass to start and the smell of incense started to make me feel sick
Sock: The smell of the incense?
Sock: Not the feeling of being full of drugs?
Sock: Fine, go on.
Dave: So the incense was making me feel sickso I came in here to get away from it.
Sock: But you were sick on your clothes?
Sock: Oh good ok
Dave: I was sick on everywhere else.
Sock: Rightso why are your clothes covered in sick?
Dave: Because if Father Duncan sees me in a confessional plastered with vomit that's me done for.So I used my clothes to clean up the mess.
Sock: Quick thinking.But why are you naked?
Dave: I took off my clothes 'cause they were covered in sick.
Sock: Well, I think I see a solution.
Dave: You do?
Sock: Yeah.When you felt sick you should've gone to the toilets instead of cramming yourself in a confessional!
Dave: That's really not helping!
Sock: Ok, ok.Umm, can't you just leave?No one will see
Cut to Dave, he looks up through the slots of the confessional.We see a shot of a church full of people, with FD presiding over the service.
Dave: People might see
Cut back to Sock
Sock: There's a service going on?Alrightlook, you're just going to have to face the music.Put your sick covered clothes back on, get out of there as quickly and discreetly as possible and come home.
Dave: (hesitantly) There's a little bit more
Dave: Well, this kid came into the confessional before, and told me he'd stolen some sweets
Sock: Did you pretend you were a priest!?
Sock: Well then why the hell did he tell you he'd committed larceny?!
Dave: I told him he could tell me!Anyway, he told me that and I said as a punishment he'd have to take my clothes and clean them and bring them back.But he was detained
Dave:by his mother.Anyway, I don't think he's coming back.
Willow: What's going on man?
Cut quickly to Dave
Sock: (covering the receiver) Dave's naked in a confessional.
Willow: Can you ask him if he's seen my blue trousers?
Sock: (to Dave)Have you seen Willow's blue trousers?
Willow: The one's that zip off to shorts
Sock: What's thattoo short?
Willow: No they zip off into shortslike, they're a trouser/short-combo.They're multi functional
Sock: Oh okDave, they're the ones that are like a shorts/trouser-combo.They'rewhat was it?
Willow: (mouthing) Multi functional
Sock: They're multi-functional
Dave: Sock, for the love of God!I need help here?
Sock: What with?
Dave takes several deep breaths, then:
Dave: Look, just get me some clothes and get here as fast as you can.There's clothes under my bedor there's some in a bag the van I think.And pleasehurry!
Sock: (slowly getting up) JeeezI've gotta go out for a bit.
Willow: Can I stay here?I don't think I can make my legs move
Sock: Yeah that's fine, I'll be about half an hour.
We see a shot of Sock walking out of the front door and going to the van, at the bottom of the garden.He opens it, takes out a black sack and takes a quick peak inside.
He trots off down the road.
Scene 16, the confessional
Dave is sitting alone in the dark, looking panicked.Suddenly, we again hear scuffling next door.
Dave: Oh thank God!Did you bring the clothes?
Sock: Yup.Here we go
Passes them through
Dave: (struggling to pull them on) What did you bring?A shirt?
Sock: I dunno, they're your clothes.Can't you see?
Dave: It's pitch black in here
Sock suddenly peers out of the box
Sock: Dave, I think they're finishing up.Just stay here and you're home and dry.
Dave: No way, man.I came here to see Father Duncan.I want him to know I've been present
Sock: Naked in the confessional
Dave: I don't want him to know that.(finishes putting the clothes on)There!Hello, sane Dave!
Cut to a shot from outside the box.Father Duncan is processing down the aisle with the other servers at the end of the service and everyone is facing back down the church, watching him process out towards the back of the church.The two doors of the confessional suddenly open.From one emerges Sock.From another, however, emerges Dave in a full Nazi uniform.The music stops, as does all movement.Everyone stares, stunned.Dave looks a little confused, then looks down and sees what he's wearing.He looks back up in shock
Dave: I can explain