Saturday, November 16, 2013

Three Chairs On A Porch: Two Counts & A Guy Who's Good With Numbers

It's the weekend before Halloween, Modern Philosophers, and Maine's favorite porch based talk show has a new episode for you.

To add to the Halloween spirit, I am using a new Halloween themed photo for the Three Chairs on a Porch franchise.Like it?

I've also had the interns wrangle up some appropriate guests to put us in an All Hallows kind of mood. As you know, I welcome two guests with a vague connection to join me on the porch of The House on the Hill.They get to ask each other one question, while I play moderator and drink my Snapple.

This week's guests are Count Dracula and Count Chocula.Count Chocula, who took the seat to my right, asked the first question.

"Count Dracula, you are the most famous Vampire of all, and it is an honor for me to be in your presence.I have given much thought to the one question I would ask if I ever met you, and I thank you in advance for indulging me."

Count Dracula nodded and smiled just wide enough to reveal his fangs.They frightened me, so I chugged my Snapple.

"There is no disrespect meant here.This question simply comes from wild curiosity.Do you think you could defeat Buffy the Vampire Slayer?"

The crowd gasped at the question and then leaned forward to better hear the answer.

Dracula began with a mighty chuckle."Get out of my head, Count Chocula!" the King of Vampires replied in a playful tone."You have no idea how many hours I've spent thinking about that very same thing!"

"She's quite the formidable opponent, and I've studied tapes of her for years.Her looks would be quite the distraction.That neck is so tempting.I'd want to taste it so badly and drain it of its All-American, girl next door blood, that I might let down my guard.Were she to wear a turtleneck, I can guarantee I would defeat her.Anything that reveals her neck, however, and it's a toss up.I think I'll avoid Sunnydale, CA for all eternity just to be safe."

Count Chocula waved his cape at his idol to show his thanks for the answer.Then he took a deep breath and waited for his question.

"Count Chocula, we move in different circles, but we are still brothers in the greatest fraternity of all time.My question for you involves a fraternity of which I am not a member.I need to know who's more bad ass: Franken Berry or Boo Berry?"

Chocula laughed so hard that his chair shook."You're really putting me on the spot here," he said as he playfully waved an accusing finger over at Dracula."I have to work with them, and I'm going to upset one with my answer.Great question, though."

"I really want to say Franken Berry because he's so big and has that scary, nightmare inducing look, but he's always wearing pink.Pink isn't a color that anyone equates with being a bad ass, you know?"

"As for Boo Berry, he's going to haunt me for saying this, but that whole hipster look with the pork pie hat and bow tie is just an act," Chocula shared with laughter in his big, chocolate eyes."He wears that get up to lull you into a false sense of security, and when you least expect it, he goes all Ghost of Christmas Future on you.I've seen him possess people and make them do the freakiest things.I've been there when he's frightened people so badly they've wet themselves or gone into cardiac arrest."

"Boo Berry is definitely the bad ass of the Cereal Monsters.No doubt about it!"

Did you have any clue, Modern Philosophers, that Boo Berry was that scary?And what do you think about Dracula's chances against Buffy?

Thanks for joining me on the porch.I promise to have you over again real soon!

Happy Halloween!
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