The Perfect Child

One thing that cannot be denied is the weird non-connected series of Lifetime Movies I call "The Perfect" movies. There are certainly a lot of them, at least, so denying them would be hard. The last one I watched before this was the sublime , and I decided to keep the Perfect movies rolling with THE PERFECT CHILD. No Jamie Luner, but it could still be love-hateable, right? Anyway, my DVR is really filling up, so I need to do something about this before it interferes with recording more Lifetime classics. And you know, other TV...



It's PG, so your kids can watch along! ()




As this opens we see a lot of blurry cut scenes, and presumably, again, get what could be an ending reveal. OR IS IT? Someone drowned in a pool. Okay. Well, Lifetime, take me on a journey. Show me where this soggy demise was set in motion.



Cut to a party with a lot of waspy activities, with elevator music, some corporate babble, a tennis ball to the nose (I was really hoping for a here, but alas), and eventually we meet our single dad, Paul, ordering what appears to be a White Russian without vodka, so basically a coffee with creamer. At least, that counts as a coffee with creamer in my book.



While he's ordering his "drink" he meets Sarah. Sarah is part of some kind of publishing company or something, I don't know- companies on Lifetime are pretty generic, because they don't matter unless the company's office or storeroom has stuff in it that would make really creative murder weapons. But anyway, she wants to write him up or something. And right now they seem pretty awkward, but of course we know that later they are going to end up in some generic romance that is only a vehicle to the inevitable murder. Given the title and whatnot, I am guessing that the inevitable murder heavily involves Paul's daughter Lily, who he plans to "spoil as long as [he]can." Well, we all know .



At this point I lost interest until things started to get weird. In the meantime, enjoy this gif from Liz & Dick:



I read you loud and clear, LiLo.



We see Sarah talking to her therapist (the setup connected to all those blurry scenes in the tease opening) and expressing a fear of water... Hmm. And Lily is excited about doing water things. Well, Lifetime, you certainly weave an intricate web, but at this point a houseplant set in front of the TV probably could see where this is going.



It's hard to see it here, but this common lemon thyme plant has already figured out what is going to happen in the movie and a deep sense of ennui has set in ()



Eventually we learn a little more about Lily: that she has food allergies and that her dad's previous girlfriend, Rebecca, was not nice. And is dead. Then Lily goes out of sight for like 30 seconds and the music tells me that what I should be feeling is panic. Come on, I'm sure any parents out there can tell you that you don't freak out until you don't see them for at least a few days. Otherwise you'd go crazy, amirite? So I'm not sure what this scene is supposed to tell me. That Lily occasionally wanders off? I don't think this is on the list of "", but I distrust children generally, so I won't write her off yet.



Also at some point Paul and Sarah got married, which I totally missed.



Suddenly, we get a major reveal-a little girl Sarah knew at some point drowned in a pool, so again, what I thought was an ending reveal was a flashback! Lifetime, you clever turnip. This, and her heavily played fear of water... I think there's something I should be picking up here. But... what could it be?



Sarah's pregnant. So a competing fetus has entered the picture, and Lily won't have time to adjust! She's not happy. I think that's another sign she's a serial killer, every kid EVER has been happy about a new baby to take the focus off themselves. No kid likes being the center of attention all the time.



And soon, Sarah finds out that someone publicized a damning memo from her business dealings! Did that little Lily get on the laptop and sabotage Sarah? This could be much more devious than I thought.

We find out more about the death of Paul's ex-girlfriend, who apparently died with a hair dryer in the bathtub. Well, come on, is that really suspicious? I mean, I take my panini press in there all the time- I know the risks, but there's nothing like a panini in the tub, so I take my chances. But apparently Lily was the one who found the ex's body.



I feel like I should be making a bingo game right now. If one of the squares was "Death Involving Bathtub" I'd get that shit twice between this and Actually, I really should make a bingo game. I'll add that to the list of the many many superfun things I want to do here that I will get RIGHT ON after I find a time-turner...



This is really going to help me with my DVR. Also sleeping in.(i)



Things just keep getting more sinister, and then whatever Lily is allergic to ends up in the kitchen! And Paul is convinced Sarah is responsible. So between that and a slew of bizarre related and unrelated allegations, their marriage is falling apart, I guess, and Sarah packs up and leaves.



In her search for answers, she meets Paul's ex's sister, Diane, in a mental institution. Diane tells her what the rest of us knew as soon as we looked at the movie title: Lily has a and a tendency to murder people. Well, fine then, movie, let's just plod along until the last 5 minutes when some of this will actually come together.



Of course the final standoff happens in a thunderstorm, when the power goes out. I'm going to be honest, they have not built Lily up to be the monster I need her to be to care about what is happening right now. I mean, I know Lifetime Movies aren't known for their character development, but come on? How hard is it to develop a broadly-drawn evil child?



I guess without the glowing eyes you just can't be sure. ()



Lily, under cover of blue-filter darkness, has gone out to a stream, into the rushing water, trying to make it look like she's in trouble. Sarah goes to rescue her. Clearly, a trap. A trap that Sarah doesn't recognize because she is the protagonist in a Lifetime Movie, so she has not put the pieces together. Lily does her usual M.O., pulls Sarah in and "makes it look like an accident" although I'm not sure what the point of that is, since no one is there to see it. But Sarah, despite her fear of water, appears to be a competent swimmer and makes it to shore, only to be whacked with a large stick by Lily. And Lily, in classic villain fashion, explains her plans just before falling and "breaking her leg". I was really really pulling for Sarah to just leave her to die because Lily probably had a blow gun with poison darts or something down there with her, but no such luck.



Lily is then put onto an ambulance/arrested by the police because apparently you should arrest an injured 13-year old girl without any real investigation. Paul seems fine with this and in a sudden change of heart believes everything Sarah says over his beloved daughter. Sure. Fuck it.



In the closing scene: we see Sarah and Paul at the Damien Thorn Institute for Criminally Insane Preteens, checking up on little Lily. Paul and Sarah have evidently gotten over their differences, and they're so excited for the new baby! But we, the audience, are smarter than these people. We know that Paul clearly has demon sperm and that baby is probably going to stab its way right out of that womb and into another Lifetime movie about an evil child.



So, overall, I guess this is what THE BAD SEED would have been like if it was fucking boring.
Full Post