We of HalfBeard's HUD like to get to the point of the matter, and that point tends to be rather humorous. When we found Gamemill Publishing's website during our usual meeting and brainstorm session, we were simply in awe of just how awful the games sounded and how cranked out and packaged the site made all of the games look. The site feels boilerplate, soft, and gentle, all for the chance to make a buck that it is simply disturbing to look at. Then we got to the games they published, and we simply couldn't stop laughing. The fact that they think anyone would play these games, adult or child, is laughable. And to prove it, we offer up seven games from this site that we thought were the absolute worst. They don't even deserve the usual humorous captions, they're so bad.
[ED'S NOTE: I JUST WANT TO SAY WE'RE NOT SPECIFICALLY TRYING TO BE CRUEL HERE BUT SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO CALL A FIG A FIG, A TROUGH A TROUGH, OR IN THIS CASE TERRIBLE PIECES OF SHOVELWARE TERRIBLE PIECES OF SHOVELWARE.]
1) KUNG ZHU
In the world of cute and cuddly toys that need to have pointless things, Zhu Zhu Pets take the cake. Not only are they pets, but they also do human things like worry about fashion and play sports or go on adventures because they are so cool. But they aren't, because they are hamsters who think they can do anything, because they are anthropomorphic and the best thing ever because of it. The game is a platformer made with blocky graphics and no HUD. And you flail about with some poor excuse for martial arts, which comes down to punches and swords. Charming.2) PINKLICIOUS
I happen to know more than a few girls who play video games, and most would never give this to any child, male or female. The game is honestly the most pinkish, conventional, and most stereotypically girly game ever designed for children. Problem is, girls want to squish goombas and adventure just the same as boys do and platformers are some of the simplest games known to man. Making cookies and preparing for a party does not exactly denote adventure, especially one as choppy looking as this one. A boring game that's also insulting to young girls? Sounds like what I should expect.3) JEWEL QUEST
A Bejeweled clone is just more proof of laziness, this has been proven. If I have to shift two gems in order to make a line of three or more, I think I'm boring myself to death. The worst part is that this game doesn't add anything new to the premise; the board only gets bigger or changes its shape from a box to a slightly different box. And then to try and be original, they build in Jewel Quest Solitaire or Mahjong Jewel Quest to make us think the game is more engaging by playing more complicated games by comparison. It doesn't work.4) HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA
A cruddy platformer with a really large HUD, on a hand-held system no less, based on the first movie directed by the creator of Samurai Jack. Jump around and collect gems with Dracula's daughter. It's a pretty big snore made all the worse by realizing that the man behind the movie is an avid geek and known for incredible visual storytelling. If he was involved in this game at all, it could have been a contender that Gamemill might actually have made some money or critical acclaim off of.5) QUEST FOR ZHU
Once again with the Zhus, these freaking hamsters. And yet another platformer, though this one appears to be a bit more involved. What bugs me from the screen-shots are the constant changing of perspective. One moment there's action on the bottom screen, then up top in a dash? Bad design, especially for important boss battles. It doesn't help that this game is based on an animated movie. The more these hamsters scuttle about this site and these games, the less I care.6) VAMPIRE SECRETS
And now we have the video game version of Twilight to deal with. An adventure game with cut-scenes and 3D-implements? Alone in The Dark did it better, and that was back in the clunky age of early PC gaming. I'm sick and tired of vampires. And if I'm reading a vampire's diary, you better believe I brought a stake with me alongside some holy water when I get to the "relationships" part of the text. When all things are said and done, I'd rather just read the bloodsucker's Facebook.
7) ZHU-ZHU BABIES
What can I say? I really, really hate these little hamster monsters. The only babies I've really cared about in modern animated media have been Muppets, so these disgusting freaks can go straight to hell. It's a mini-game compilation with eleven pets with "unique personalities" eh? They're babies. Why do I care so much, you ask? Because it is really, really dumb and anyone professionally helping to get these games out on the market can do much better. All of these titles, especially this pedantic Zhu Pets crud is the ultimate in lazy, bargain-bin style crap I never want to see again.