Friday, August 30, 2013

10 Upcoming Remakes That Will Probably Suck

Despite what people may tell you (or what's implied by my reviews), I don't think of myself as a negative person. While I'm sure there are more than a few critics that like to comb through every film they see on the lookout for flaws... that's not really me, or at least, that's not who I try to be. I didn't start this blog for the purpose of tearing apart bad movies, I started it because I have a genuine love for the art of filmmaking and I want to see the industry continue to move forward. Unfortunately, given the industry's tendencies to focus on brand-names, spin-offs, reboots, remakes, and re-whatevers, it's been getting harder to remain positive. Even though this summer has actually been a bit better on the originality front than previous years (at least we got Pacific Rim, The Conjuring, Elysium, and a few others), it seems like we're still getting bombarded with remake after remake. So... yeah, today I'm going to be more cynical than usual and gripe about 10 upcoming remakes that will almost definitely suck. Now... I could be wrong about these films, and I'm hoping I am, but I'm not holding my breath. So without further, here are ten films that will (probably) end up sucking.

Honorable Mention: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

- I'm not including this one on the list because it's less of a remake and more of a reboot and because I haven't really cared much for TMNT since I was like 8 years old. That said, every time I hear news about this film's production, it's sounding more and more like it's going to be a massive train wreck. I mean, come on... Megan Fox as April O'Neil, making Shredder a white guy, and supposedly turning the Turtles into aliens... this film is just going to suck so bad.

10. Godzilla

- I put this one low on the list because despite my reservations, some of the early details about the film have actually looked somewhat promising. Unfortunately, I'm still very much on the fence for two reasons. First off, we already received an American remake of Japan's famous movie monster in 1998... and it was more horrendous than anyone could have imagined. Secondly, the film is being directed by Gareth Edwards, and his debut film, Monsters, was a huge letdown. Yes I know the film was low-budget and tried to tell a good story, but I'm sorry! Monsters was an incredibly overrated effort, that despite it's good intentions, suffered from unlikable leads, dull pacing, on-the-nose symbolism, and a huge letdown of an ending. Plus, the original Godzilla is one of my favorite sci-fi films of all time, and I know that I'm not alone on that... so let's hope for the best.

9. Poltergeist

- It's somewhat re-assuring that Sam Raimi is the one producing the film, but I'm still not sold on remaking Poltergeist. The original 1982 horror flick still holds up as an incredibly spooky haunted house film featuring strong performances, a tight story, and memorable scares. It's two sequels, however, didn't quite cut it. Besides, we've actually gotten a number of original haunted house movies the last few years, and a lot were quite good. So, because of that, remaking Poltergeist just seems like a step backwards. Also... isn't this series cursed? All the more reasons to let this series be.

8. Dirty Dancing

- The original Dirty Dancing may not be high art, but it's an enjoyable love story that's still remembered by a strong and vocal fanbase. I'll even admit, that it's one I personally enjoy. In the long run, I just can't think of any logical reason to update this one for reasons other than to draw people in for the title's name recognition. In that case, it might actually make a little profit at the box office, but I can't imagine the studio will see this one as anything more than a quick cash-grab. If you had the time of your life with the 1982 film... I wouldn't count on that happening with the remake.

7. A Star is Born

- Eeesh... how many times can you remake a movie??? The original was made in 1937, was followed by a remake in 1954 (which was actually superior), and was remade again in 1976. It was originally reported than this remake would star Tom Cruise and BeyoncKnowles, but apparently they both withdrew. So, maybe plans for this remake will fall through, but who knows. Personally, I just think making a film four times is overkill. Just watch the original(s) instead, we don't need four versions of the same movie.

6. Point Break

- I'm not saying that the original Point Break isn't an enjoyable flick, but honestly, I'm just having a hard time figuring out why someone decided it deserved the remake treatment. I mean, when you get right down to it, Point Break is a fun but incredibly cheesy action movie best remembered primarily by a steadily declining fanbase. The 90s appeal is there, and it's incredibly well shot, but aside from it's corny fun factor, there's nothing about this that screams "remake-able." I don't deny it's enjoyabilty or it's cult following, but I just don't see how they can improve this one without dramatically changing around the story to a point where it only somewhat resembles the original... in which case, why bother remaking it at all? Let this one be and make something else.

5. Scarface

- Like A Star Is Born, Scarface is on this list simply because of the redundancy of remaking a film that's already been remade. Both the 1932 film and Brian De Palma's 1983 remake are considered classics of the gangster genre thanks to well-written stories, enjoyable actors, and shocking violence (well, the 1932 film was fairly shocking for it's time). Once again, this one will apparently update the time period to the modern day. That, in itself, doesn't bother me much, but I'm still not convinced that it could work again. I mean, lightning rarely strikes twice for these kinds of things... three times is pushing it.

4. American Psycho

- Ummmmm.... no. Apparently another film adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' satirical novel is in the works... with a modern setting and a grittier style. Yeah... this is not a good idea. For starters, the last film came out in 2000, which really isn't that long ago when you get right down to it. Also, by updating the setting from the 80s to the present makes me think they're going to totally botch the book's (and the previous film's) poignant themes and dark satire. Whether you see the 2000 film as a bloody horror/thriller, an incredibly bleak dark comedy, or an intelligent analysis of male vanity and greed... it's pretty damn awesome. I just don't see that happening with a remake.

3. Videodrome

- No! No! No! There is NO reason why anyone should make Videodrome. Okay... yes, the original is a bit dated, but in my opinion, any of it's 80s vibes that don't jive as well today are totally forgiven thanks to it's clever story, bleak tone, over-the-top gore, and incredible special effects. David Cronenberg is master of body horror, and I can't think of anyone that could recapture that same vibe. It's only made worse by the fact that the film's currently attached screenwriter was one of the writers for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen... yeah, this one is going to really suck! I imagine they'll update this one and replace killer videotapes and cable stations with downloads and computer viruses. Yeah, that's not nearly as fun. All I can say is, "Death to the Videodrome!"

2. Carrie

- Well, maybe this one won't be so bad. I mean, Chloe Grace Moretz is a good actress, some of the teenage characters actually look more teenagers this time, and most of the actors have done good work before, so mayb-... DAMMIT NO!!! WHY DID THEY HAVE TO REMAKE CARRIE!!! The original is so good! I don't care if it's 70's tone seems a bit out of place, the MESSAGE HOLDS UP!!! Also, the original was already followed with a belated sequel, a made-for-TV remake, and even a Broadway Musical... AND THEY ALL SUCKED!!! STOP BEATING THIS DEAD HORSE!!! Carrie was never something that was meant to be a series or franchise. It stands on it's own... LET IT BE!!! Like I said, some of the actors in this upcoming remake are pretty good, but the lackluster trailers are doing very little to boost my confidence. I'm hoping and praying this movie won't suck as much it's looking like it will... but I'm not holding out hope.

1. Robocop

- How do you remake one of the Sci-Fi genre's most thrilling, funny, smartest and flat-out best entries? Well... not by making it a watered down PG-13 retelling with Robocop in black Batman-like armor. I admit that details are still scarce, so maybe it's a little early to freak out, but so far everything that has happened with this film has made me nervous. They have said that the film will honor the same kind of themes and satire from the original... but I've heard that song and dance before, and it generally means shit. The film has already had a pretty rocky production, going through different actors and directors just barely after it got off the ground. Fingers crossed that this one won't suck... but boy this one I just can't see how it could work.

I hate to judge anything before I see it, or at something like a trailer or clip. Still, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Hopefully I'm wrong about these films... but don't count on it.
Full Post

No comments:

Post a Comment