TW: EATING DISORDERS, CRYING, SADNESS.
I completely dislike any kind of resolution for New Year's, but this year I wanted to make some sort of goal, or set a sort of mindset to enter 2014 with.This is a hugely important year for me--not only because of my entering high school, but because I really can feel something big coming on.I defined a lot of myself in 2013; I became more of myself and less of what I felt was expected of me.Before 2013 I didn't really have any interests or opinions besides liking 'alternative' music, which is basically the smallest claim to any identity because the alternative genre IS SO DAMN GENERAL.It's like a mix of everything!Anyway, in 2014 I can feel myself getting into 'the groove' (I make myself cringe gleefully).Bey's album came out a couple of weeks ago and it's all I listen to (this is a lie, but it's nearly true).It's spectacular and inspirational and, in a sense, the best art I have ever encountered in my life, no exaggeration.Each song is personal and complex and STUNNING.I can't do it justice by writing about it, but understand that it's the kind of album that will make someone who is already a big Beyoncfan say, "Oh my god, Beyonc ," out of nowhere two weeks after listening to it.It's so important.It has put me in this 'groove' (oh wow I really must stop saying that), because it makes me feel like I can do anything.I feel like I could rule the world because I have the capability to work really hard at what I love.I like writing, so I'll write on this blog. I think this could actually be a very interesting outlet for my musings and things, I just have to keep on doing it.To make all of these thoughts I've been having a million times better, on New Year's Eve I had what I felt like was a very good omen for the following year.I was at the grocery store and I began talking to a lady about the new year and she seemed sort of like a mystic (she had said that I seemed like a Capricorn and we were talking about zodiacs).At the end, she said that she really thought I was going to fulfill my dreams this year.I felt so good and reassured, like she had foretold my future, but also like I know that I'm capable of doing all that I wish to this year.I dream to do a lot of things so I honestly doubt all my dreams will come true, but I know I will actually become a person that could do all the things I dream of if I try very, very, very hard and never give up.I am so clichwith my 'never give up'.The cool thing about clichthings is that they always seem sort of meaningless, like phrases people throw around so that they can appear wise, but they become truths if you discover them in your own way through experience.Also, not caring if you're clichis important because otherwise you will not understand significant things just for the sake of appearing different.
I've been thinking a lot about sobbing pageant winners/beauty queens recently.They're thought of as the epitome of beauty and perfection and, basically, the ideal girl.I think it's really interesting to see when they cry and their mascara runs when they've won, because they've gone through so much that was so ugly to appear pretty, like eating disorders and the constantly being told they're not good enough (let's all basically reference Pretty Hurts forever).Then, they cry and they look monstrous and wild, crazy and slightly terrifying.There are these males who thought they had all this perfection, but now they see this monster, they're basically like, "I thought you were beautiful, perfect girl!You were supposed to reinforce beauty standards!MY LIFE IS A LIE."Nothing is too beautiful to be broken.They think that they have this perfection, but nothing is perfect.Anyway, perfect is so. . . *Bey shrug* I think it'd be really cool if people wore make up already ruined like this (this post is basically a nod to , which I am very happily modeling for!).My references for all of this: the Live Through This album cover, Rose McGowan in Jawbreakers, Carrie, Beyoncin "Why Don't You Love Me?".
Drama Queen - Dazed & Confused Issue #56
Live Through This - Hole
Why Don't You Love Me? - Beyonc
Rose McGowan - Jawbreakers
A drawing I made a week or so ago with the crying prom queen in mind.
I did Stella's make up like this hoping maybe it would add to the whole idea and let me get into it in a different way.
I've been pretty moody and thoughtful lately.I'm really quiet and shy most of the time, except when I'm around people I really like, but even then I don't speak much.Actually, I take that back.I'm usually more talkative when I'm with people that I'm only with briefly because I want them to think that I'm talkative when I'm really not.I'm introverted in most senses--but I like to speak out about how I feel opinion-wise and I like to speak when I think I have something good to say.I spend a lot of my time alone and I like to walk around my neighborhood alone.I feel unable to say what I've been thinking about specifically, I mostly have come to small understandings with myself and the world.I like to think in topics/themes; this makes my thinking feel like it has a more distinguished purpose.I've created a little playlist to walking around and thinking, here it is (sorry it's not at all visually pleasing):
these days - nicosnowstorm - galaxie 500cactus tree - joni mitchellcheerleader - st. vincentanthems for a seventeen year old girl - broken social scene strange - galaxy 500the noose of jah city - king krule
The last song, The Noose of Jah City, is really eerie and lovely and important to me.I haven't actually looked through the lyrics as much as I would like to, but I suppose I will tell you how I feel about it next time I write on here.The song makes me think of a sort of sadness and loneliness/being alone, which I'm fairly familiar with (I don't really get lonely, though, I'm too happy to be alone when I am).The song makes me think of the twisted relationship with all that you know to be true.It feels like this part of a book I read when I was around ten, where this girl is friends with all these people who do things she never considered wrong but she wakes up one morning and realizing how truly crappy they are as people.And then she hangs out with them later and feeling isolated from all that she once found familiar because she knows 'the truth'.I might be projecting myself onto the song (in the sense of feeling isolated and strange and uncomfortable with everything I have always been surrounded by), but this song has been the soundtrack for many of these feelings/thoughts.The music video feels really right for the song.It's like this time that I went to this playground with my friend and it was really cold and I was being melancholy and the sunset was faint and not at all over-powering (similarly to the video).My friend and I were swinging and I was thinking sadly and it was very sort of a faded and worn-out sunset moment, yet dark outside (the night was coming but it wasn't there yet).It felt nice, though, because I felt sad in this very sort of magical way.I wasn't even sad about anything in particular (that's how it usually is) (but it's not unreasonable gosh stop thinking teen girls are unreasonable).I was filled with melancholy.This video--the Noose of Jah City video--perfect describes how it was.When the color bombs/whatever-the red-color-is appears, that's sort of like how night was. It came and all the streetlights in the park turned on.They were orange and strung out like fairy lights.It felt like they went on forever in all directions (the park is large).It was another sort of sad magic, washing over me in a new wave.It was exciting to be in such a visually nice moment that was filled with appropriate magic-sadness.
I would be done if I didn't have a playlist for THE YEAR OF BEING YOUR OWN HERO.
WITH ME OR BEHIND ME
cell block tango - chicago the moviewhy don't you love me - beyonc inside out - britney spearsso fast so maybe - k.flayrun the world (girls) - beyonc messin' with my head - k.flay (this literally is the best if u feel betrayed by the media via body image)***flawless - beyonc(feat chimamanda adichie)
THANK U AND GOOD NIGHT