Wednesday, January 8, 2014

War of the Minds

Dear readers,

Since I realised that I haven't done or achieved anything significant last year I am now worrying slightly that 2014 will be no different in case you haven't picked up on that in some of my last posts. Do excuse the negativity, but unemployment and no results in trying to get work is very discouraging. I am trying not to give up entirely.I am hunting around for things to do when I'm not at my one day a week volunteer job or with my boyfriend, which is only on the weekends. My mind is still stuck on a loop and not a very good one. The monsters in my brain are weighing me down and I'm trying not to listen to them, but when I spend so much time with them it's easier said than done as anyone with mental health issues is well aware of. This year is my twenty-seventh year and this cycle needs to change and I am well aware of that. I am still trying to get work and I am still trying to get published I have work towards that to do. On the plus side my partner will be living with me for just over a week helping me look after the house while my parents are away in Tasmania. Still, our cruise couldn't come fast enough. I have a lot to do to prepare for it now that I think about it, so that's at least something to keep my mind occupied and will hopefully put those damn depressive brain monsters to sleep. They never truly go away. They are always there. When they are awake and active I am struggling. In my mind I have two kinds of monsters. One set are for depression. They are little purple morons that tell me my life sucks even though logic says it doesn't, they are very hard to ignore. The other set of monsters are for anxiety. In a way they are worse than the depressive purple ones because when they freak out I freak out. They make me want to rip all of my hair out and hurt myself. I feel like I want to take my brain out an bleach it. It interferes with sleep. Hence insomnia, which is something I also struggle with. I am aware that it's just a phase and it will pass. It always does. But, soon I hope things will change regarding my work and living arrangements. I don't mind living at home with my parents, but it's high time I moved out and the boyfriend with me. The money just isn't there at the moment. I need something. Give me something. I want to look forward to my future rather than spend my present days fretting over whether or not I will still be stuck in the same place come 2015. I want to feel as though I have achieved something by then.Surely it's my turn. It has to be my turn.

Love,Imagine Anne Morgan Xx
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